


maybe she

by donotfeedthebirds



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-07-24 11:45:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16174418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donotfeedthebirds/pseuds/donotfeedthebirds
Summary: Heejin’s lips are soft against her own, and Hyunjin tastes the other girl’s chapstick smearing between their lips.or,Heejin and Hyunjin are just best friends. Right?(crossposted on asianfanfics)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: i wrote this as a fifth harmony fic ages ago but then i changed it to fit loona and bam! we're here now

It’s pretty late.

After their classes ended, they walked to the nearby beach to hang out, making dumb jokes along the way. Hyunjin had made an utter fool of herself trying to make Heejin laugh, yelling nonsensical words embarrassingly loud all the way there, making Heejin chuckle and hit her playfully.

The sun went down maybe an hour ago; Hyunjin’s breaking her curfew but it doesn’t matter.

The worst punishment she had ever gotten from her parents was a week without her phone and that was for something much more serious than coming home late (she didn’t know that windows broke that easily, alright?).

She doubts they’d care much anyway. She had sent a text their way about hanging out with Heejin for a few more hours. Even though Heejin had only met her parents a few months ago, they already trusted her more than they did Hyunjin, so they wouldn’t mind - or at least that’s what Hyunjin rationalises to herself.  
  
So as Hyunjin’s sitting back enjoying the wind coursing through her hair and the calming sounds of the waves crashing, she has no worries in her mind. It’s always relaxing just to sit and talk with Heejin, she finds. Joking around with the other girl never failed to fill Hyunjin with a comfortable warmth she had never felt with anyone else.  
  
“It’s getting late,” Heejin says.  
  
When Hyunjin turns to look at her, she sees that Heejin’s eyes are closed and there’s a gentle smile on her face. Unknowingly, Hyunjin also smiles to herself. She can’t help it.  
  
“It is,” Hyunjin agrees.

Neither makes a move to get up. Instead, Heejin rests her head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, the feeling of Heejin’s long brunette hair against her bare skin tickling her pleasantly. Hyunjin tilts her head to rest it above Heejin’s. It’s hard to believe they met not too long ago; to Hyunjin it felt as if they had known each other their entire lives.

It takes a few moments before either of them talk again. 

“I wish we didn’t have to go back home,” Heejin says.

When Hyunjin looks at her again, her eyes are open and shining. They’re filled with an admirable enthusiasm, the very same enthusiasm that drew Hyunjin to befriend her in the first place. “Promise me something, Hyun.”

Hyunjin can see the light of the moon reflected in those dark brown eyes of hers and it comforts her, making her feel safe in a way that only Heejin can. It’s almost ridiculous to Hyunjin how Heejin had buried so quickly into her heart, becoming the most important person in her life in less than five months.

“Anything.”  
  
Heejin’s smile widens for a fraction of a second - Hyunjin’s favourite sight - before she turns serious.

“One day, we’ll go on an adventure. Just the two of us.” She takes her head off of Hyunjin’s shoulder and leans back to lie down in the sand. “Promise me that we’d have no responsibilities, that we won’t have to go back home. We’d go home when we want to and no sooner.” With every word Heejin says, Hyunjin’s heart flutters harder and harder in her chest, though she can’t pinpoint exactly why.  
_  
_ Copying Heejin’s actions, Hyunjin too lies down on the beach. Tomorrow when she has to wake up early to dust the sand off her uniform, she knows she’ll regret her decision but right now nothing matters. At this moment, nothing but lying next to Heejin matters to her.

“That honestly sounds perfect, Heejin.” Just the two of us sounds perfect, Hyunjin wants to say but doesn’t.  
  
“Where do you think we’d go?”  
  
Hyunjin pretends to think for a minute, even though she knows her answer.  
“Hmm,” Hyunjin says lightly, stealing another glance at the girl lying beside her, “I want to go everywhere with you.”

Much to Hyunjin's delight, Heejin reacts in exactly the way she wants her to. Heejin rolls her eyes and scoffs, pushing Hyunjin’s shoulder. “Too greasy,” she complains, her grimacing face turning into a smile when she hears Hyunjin laughing. Eventually, Heejin breaks into laughter as well.

After their laughter subsides, Hyunjin answers again.

“A road trip, all around the country. You, me, and a shitty rented RV. Or we’d go across all of Asia, immersing ourselves in cultures we’ve only read about.”

Heejin’s silent so Hyunjin turns to her side. With Hyunjin’s cheek pressed up against the cool sand, she can see Heejin peering up at the moon, an unreadable expression on her usually smiling face.  
_  
_ “I’d love that.” Heejin’s words are quiet, more a whisper than anything else. Eventually, she feels Hyunjin’s gaze on her, so she turns on her side as well. “Too bad it’ll probably never happen,” she says.

Hyunjin raises her right hand, the one next to Heejin’s arm. Her pinky is raised to the other girl and Heejin looks at it curiously.

“Pinky promises?” Heejin asks, incredulously. She breaks into a laugh when Hyunjin only nods in response. “What are we, five?”

“ _Heejin_ ,” she says, a faux-seriousness to her voice. “This is serious.” Hyunjin points to her own face with her free hand. “See this? This is my serious face.” With her words, she moves her pinky even closer to Heejin’s.

After Heejin too raises her arm, her pinky comfortably curls around Hyunjin’s.

“We’ll have that adventure. I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen,” Hyunjin says.

“Whatever it takes, huh?” Heejin smiles a little, squeezing Hyunjin’s pinky a little. Her eyes fall to their interlocked pinkies and the smile becomes bigger.

“I promise.”

 _I promise_ , Hyunjin thinks, _I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy._

* * *

“Have you ever kissed someone?” Hyunjin doesn’t know why she asks her this, but once the words come out of her mouth, curiosity bubbles in her stomach.  
For some reason, the thought of Heejin kissing someone makes her feel sick to the core. [Or at least the thought of Heejin kissing someone else]  
  
“No,” comes Heejin’s simple reply. Hyunjin’s ashamed to admit this but the thought of being Heejin’s first kiss excites her in a way she doesn’t understand. “I’ve never met a boy worth kissing.”  
  
They become silent again, but this time the air is tenser. Hyunjin’s mind is going a mile a minute with her thoughts. “Am I--” Hyunjin stops herself from asking if she’d be worth it, thinking she may not be able to handle the answer, “would you kiss me?”  
  
Heejin just laughs lightly. “What are you talking about, Hyunjinie?”  
  
As soon as Heejin lets out those words, Hyunjin realises she has two options.  
  
1\. Pretend it was just a joke and never bring it up again.

It’d be so easy. Heejin already laughed so she probably assumed Hyunjin was kidding. Maybe Hyunjin’s desire to kiss her would go away with time. It wouldn’t be worth risking their blossoming friendship, a friendship that has quickly become one of the most important things in Hyunjin’s life.

But Hyunjin prefers option 2.

2\. Kiss her. [Dear God, just kiss her]

She does the latter.

She holds Heejin’s head in her hands and kisses her just like she’s always wanted to. [Has she always wanted to? God, she’s so confused]  
_  
_ Immediately, it’s a sensory overload - everything her own first kiss wasn’t. It is hot and sweet, fast and slow, it’s everything at once and Hyunjin finds that she’s having trouble breathing because of it.

Heejin’s lips are soft against her own, and Hyunjin tastes the other girl’s chapstick smearing between their lips, its sweet watermelon mixing between them. She feels Heejin’s eyelashes tickle her skin as her eyes flutter to a close, feels Heejin slowly start to kiss back. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to focus on feeling every touch, every taste, every little thing that went into this moment.

Heejin’s hands hover just barely above the bone of Hyunjin’s hips, so close that Hyunjin could feel the heat of Heejin’s palms holding her through her jumper. Hyunjin’s own hands - still cupping Heejin’s face - make their way down to wrap around her waist, bringing them impossibly closer.

Their noses bump against each other as they both try to tilt their heads, causing Heejin to lightly laugh into Hyunjin’s mouth. Her laughter tickles Hyunjin’s skin, causing her to smile as she leans in further.

After too many seconds, Hyunjin pulls away to breathe and as soon as she does a wall of embarrassment hits her. She can’t help but feel as if she had made some insurmountable mistake by kissing her, launching into a tirade almost immediately.

“Shit, Heejin,” Hyunjin exclaims. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking! I’m such a bad friend for taking your fir-”  
  
To her surprise, Heejin kisses her. She doesn’t grab her like Hyunjin did, simply leaning in slightly to connect their lips again, ignoring Hyunjin’s words.

Instinctively, Hyunjin’s eyes flutter to a close. All the thoughts that began to swirl around her head disappear with Heejin’s faint touch.

If the first time they kissed was a sensory overload, too much all at once, the second is not enough. It’s deliriously slow this time, their hands and lips and arms barely moving. It’s as if they were pressing against each other just for the hell of it, just because they couldn’t bear to be apart.

When Heejin pulls away, Hyunjin instinctively leans back into her warmth. _Please don’t pull away_ , Hyunjin thought, _please, please, please._

Halfway through their third kiss [or fourth, or fifth, honestly Hyunjin had lost track], Hyunjin realises what she’s doing. She’s kissing a girl, her best friend at that. Worst of all, she liked every second of it. 

Hyunjin’s eyes burst open and she pushes the other girl away from her. What is she doing? Why does it feel so natural?

_This isn’t allowed, this isn’t right, this is--_

As Heejin stumbles backwards, her face contorts in hurt. “Hyu-”  
  
“No,” Hyunjin blurts out, “don’t talk to me- don’t- just forget about it, okay?”

She runs her hand through her now-messy hair, collecting her equally-messy thoughts. Her breathing is still laboured, only becoming worse with her nerves.  
  
“Hyunjin, I-” Heejin starts, a pleading tone to her voice. Heejin’s hand raises to touch her but Hyunjin can’t handle it, can’t handle any more of her.

“Please, just- just forget we ever--” She can’t even say it, the word ‘kiss’ is lodged in her throat and she can’t bear to say it, can’t bear to even think of it anymore. “Forget we ever did anything, okay?”  
  
Heejin’s looking at the ground. Her arms are stuck by her sides, hands in clenched fists. Hyunjin swears she could see her brown eyes glistening but in her flustered, jumbled state of mind, she ignores that her best friend may be shedding tears for her. 

“Please,” Hyunjin repeats, “just forget this.”

“Okay, Hyun,” is her soft, barely-there response.

If Hyunjin had listened harder to her words she might have heard how shaky her voice was, how unsure the words. She might’ve heard Heejin’s voice crack and figured out how much those kisses meant to her. _  
_

Instead of listening, Hyunjin starts to walks home alone in silence. She sheds a few tears herself as she picks up her bag and books, but she doesn’t care enough to wipe them away. As Hyunjin treks home, the road ahead of her becomes hard to see, her glazed-over eyes blurring everything in sight.

She doesn’t look back.


	2. Chapter 2

“Heejin, stop stalling!”

Heejin doesn’t know how the conversation led to this, but everyone started talking about their first kiss. One by one, the girls had told the stories of their first kisses, clockwise around the cafeteria table. Hyunjin had finished her story a while ago, something that had happened a year before they even met.

If she were being honest, Heejin would say that she hates Hyunjin’s story, Hyunjin’s picture-perfect first boyfriend and that stupid dance floor or whatever. She hadn't been paying much attention. It hurt too much to listen, even though she’d heard the story a thousand times.

Now it’s Heejin’s turn and she has absolutely no clue what to say.

Heejin looks up from the cafeteria table. The second their eyes connect, Hyunjin shakes her head at her. Heejin purses her lips, the hurt of that night returning with Hyunjin’s slight action. It saddens her because that meant that Hyunjin didn’t want anyone to know that they kissed.

Maybe she’s ashamed of her. Maybe she regrets it.

“Heejin-unnie, come on who was it?” whines Yeojin from her seat across the table.

_Don’t tell them it was with Hyunjin. Lie. Lie._

“Stop annoying her, maybe she hasn’t had it yet-”

“I’m just curious!”

“No, you’re being annoying--”

The loud noises and the arguing around her start to piss her off. Eventually, Heejin snaps. “Y-you don’t know her, okay? So just shut up about it!”

Suddenly, everyone's quiet. Heejin doesn’t notice her mistake - doesn’t notice ‘her’ could even _be_ a mistake - until Sooyoung bursts into a grin and Hyunjin looks away, paler than ever. It’s a telltale sign that Hyunjin is ashamed of her, ashamed of what they shared that night.

It hurts knowing that something which makes Heejin feel so impossibly happy is nothing but a source of shame for the other girl. Or well, _made_ Heejin feel so happy. The second Hyunjin pushed her away, the memory of those perfect kisses were tainted with pain.

Even though it hurts, Heejin can understand why Hyunjin feels that way. If she weren’t a girl, Hyunjin wouldn’t have to be ashamed, so it isn’t really Heejin that she’s ashamed of. It's just the fact that Heejin is a girl that makes it something they have to hide.

[If only we could change the world so no one had to feel ashamed for who they lov- _kissed_ ].

“That doesn’t count,” one of the girls scoff. She’s a new friend of the group’s and because of this, Heejin doesn’t know her name. “Unless you’re like _gay_ or whatever.”

The word never bothered Heejin before, but the way the girl said it in a scandalous whisper (and the way Hyunjin flinched) made Heejin feel… bad. It’s just one syllable but it stings like a thousand needles. The girl had sounded almost disgusted. Did lov- _kissing_ Hyunjin make Heejin disgusting?

“Of course it counts,” Sooyoung interjects, that wide grin still present on her face, “girls are better at kissing than boys anyway. Right, Heejin?” The older girl playfully bumps her shoulder against Heejin’s and it makes Heejin smile even just for a second. 

Before Heejin can reply, Hyunjin interjects.

“And how would you know?” Hyunjin asks abruptly, her tone harsh and her arms crossed around her chest. She seems almost angry at Sooyoung and Heejin can’t help but wonder why she's being so defensive.

Sooyoung only shrugs in response. “I’ve kissed both, obviously.” How could she say that so effortlessly? How can she not care about what people think? The other girls are visibly surprised by her nonchalance, mouths agape. “Why do you all look shocked? Girls are cute as hell.” Beside Sooyoung, Jiwoo blushes a deep red but Heejin decides not to question it.

Luckily for both Heejin and Hyunjin, all attention goes to Sooyoung after her remark.

“Sooyoung,” Jungeun gasps, a fake-shock tone to her voice, “how can you say that so loudly in our beloved Catholic school?” She makes an exaggerated sign of the cross with her eyes closed, and looks up and whispers an apology up to God. Everyone but Hyunjin laughs.

Eventually, the group moves on. Haseul says something about her first kiss being a total disappointment, causing even more laughs which quickly turns to silence when Vivi offers her a ‘better kissing experience’ as she put it. Heejin’s almost envious about how bold her unnies were about kissing other girls.

* * *

 

After the bell rings, Hyunjin offers to walk Heejin to class.

Heejin knows that Hyunjin’s chemistry class is on the other side of the school - they memorised each other’s timetables early on in the school year - but instead of admitting that, Heejin hikes her bag up her shoulder and accepts the offer with a curt nod.

They walk together in silence, both desperate to speak but neither knowing the right words to say. Heejin tries to look anywhere but Hyunjin, because she knows that if she looks at her she’ll break. Beside her, Hyunjin’s eyes dart around the hallways as she gathers the confidence.

“So who is she?” Hyunjin asks, still using that harsh tone she used on Sooyoung. Heejin grimaces at her anger-filled voice, so far away from the voice she lov- _liked_ so much. Hyunjin no doubt thinks she’s being nonchalant, her hands stuffed into her blazer pocket and eyes looking anywhere but Heejin’s direction.

“Who?” Heejin asks, pretending not to know. Her voice is stilted and it’s clear that Hyunjin knows she’s lying to her, Hyunjin’s hand gripping her backpack strap so hard that her knuckles turn white.

“Y’know,” Hyunjin says, “your _first kiss_. Who is she?” The words are said so slowly and deliberately that even without looking at her Heejin can tell she’s pissed off.

_Why does she care so much?_

“Just some girl,” Heejin says. She talks to the floor, not being able to face Hyunjin. She never could lie to her. They’re best friends, after all. They aren’t supposed to hide anything from each other. Having to lie to Hyunjin hurts more than she ever thought it would but she can’t bear to tell the truth either. “Don’t remember her name.”

Hyunjin lets out a shaky breath, letting out all her nerves with it. “I thought that--” she pauses for a moment, as if thinking about how to phrase her next words, “I thought I was your first kiss?” It’s not really a question, but Hyunjin’s returning nerves make her voice higher at the end of the statement as if it were.

At her words, Heejin’s throat closes up and she can almost feel her heart beating as if it were lodged there. She makes fists of her hands and stops in her tracks. Heejin clutches her books closer to her chest as she shakes her head.

Hyunjin keeps walking, not noticing that Heejin had stopped walking until she realises she can’t hear Heejin’s footfalls next to her. Turning around, she looks at the other girl who is just standing there, her fists clenched around her books. Hyunjin’s a couple of feet ahead but she feels so close when their eyes connect.

Hyunjin's gaze makes Heejin feel like crying, like yelling out how she really feels.

“You told me to forget about it and I did.” Heejin’s voice is so soft that Hyunjin almost doesn’t catch the words. Hyunjin almost wishes that she hadn’t because they make her heart hurt. “So that kiss doesn’t count.”

Heejin feels like she might burst into tears any second - she can already feel tears prickling at her eyes - so she decides to leave as soon as she can. She doesn’t want to give Hyunjin the satisfaction of knowing that she made her cry yet again. Besides, Hyunjin didn't care, right? She definitely didn't care that night - she had just left Heejin stranded there, all alone with her doubts and confusing feelings.

Hyunjin’s about to say something and Heejin doesn’t think she can handle hearing it. So instead of waiting, Heejin walks into the next classroom and ignores the other girl asking her to stay. As she stands in the doorway, she looks at Hyunjin and murmurs a quick “thanks for walking me to class” before walking through the door.

Hyunjin just stands in the hallway even though she knows she should really be sprinting to her chemistry classroom.


	3. Chapter 3

_You told me to forget about it and I did._

Heejin’s words replay over and over in Hyunjin’s mind, an eternal loop of words she wishes she had never heard. If it was hard for Hyunjin to hear in the moment, it is pure agony to have to relive it again and again.

This must be how heartbreak feels, Hyunjin thinks, as she places her hand over her chest. She never knew that emotional pain could be like this - that a single sentence could leave her breathless in the worst of ways, that she could repeat a sentence over and over to herself until each syllable made her heart ache. The closest feeling she could compare it to was being punched in the stomach, the words giving her a similar winded feeling which leaves all your insides feeling wrong.

_You told me to forget about it and I did._

Heejin was right. It’s all Hyunjin’s fault, really.

If only she hadn't pushed Heejin away that night on the beach. If only she hadn't been so scared of what she felt for her, whatever that feeling might be. If only she had let herself kiss and be kissed, let herself live in that spectacular moment rather than running away like a coward. Maybe she would have been happier if she never told Heejin to forget.

_You told me to forget about it and I did._

Heejin had sounded so at peace with it, as if she’d completely erased that memory from her brain. That irritated Hyunjin. That kiss - or better yet, those kisses - mean everything to Hyunjin. How dare Heejin just forget it? How dare Heejin move on when Hyunjin can’t, when Hyunjin finds herself struggling through every moment trying not to reminisce on the softness of Heejin’s lips, trying not to remember how good it felt to be so close to her?

_It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault._

Frustrated, Hyunjin runs her hand through her hair. Finding that it does nothing to calm her nerves, she resorts to pulling at the strands, sighing in relief when the physical pain momentarily distracts her from her unwanted thoughts.

Across from her, Haseul looks up from her lunch to focus on Hyunjin, clearly worried.

“You alright?” Haseul asks, her eyes flicking down to Hyunjin’s food, still wrapped in its foil. “You haven’t even touched your food.”

Hyunjin only nods.

From the farthest corner of the room, loud laughter emanates. Without looking up, Hyunjin can tell it came from Heejin, only causing her to hurt more. The fact that the laughter didn’t come from right beside her reminds Hyunjin that they’ve been avoiding each other for three days now. Three days of torture, basically.

She doesn’t know which one of them started the avoiding first, but the fact is that they haven’t talked since Hyunjin walked her to class three days ago. It’s hard having your best friend act so coldly to you, reminding you that it’s all your fault every time she deliberately ignores you. Three days of radio silence in the classes where they sat together, of intentionally walking slower so they didn’t have to walk side-by-side, of choosing to sit at different tables at lunch.  
Thankfully, Haseul chose to sit with Hyunjin, so she isn’t completely alone. Hyunjin has a suspicion that Haseul chooses to sit with her to avoid someone as well, but she appreciates the company so she doesn't ask.

Haseul tries again, trying to elicit a more vocal response from the younger girl. “Not hungry, huh?”

Hyunjin nods.

Haseul sighs, a little annoyed at Hyunjin's lack of words. “Look, you’re going to have to talk to Heejin sometime, you know?” When Hyunjin doesn’t respond, she talks again. “Whatever’s going on between you two has to stop. You can’t avoid each other for the rest of the year.”

“I know, I know,” Hyunjin responds, rolling her eyes at Haseul’s motherlike nagging.

They sit in silence for a little while, Hyunjin still not making any move to unwrap her lunch. Again, the words swirl through her mind. This time, they’re meshed together - the painful memory combining with her disparaging thoughts.

_You told me to forget about it and I did. It’s all your fault. You told me to forget about it and I did. It’s all your fau-_

“It’s fine, you know?” Haseul says.

Hyunjin tilts her head in confusion.

“Liking girls. It’s alright if you do.” Hyunjin just tilts her head more. “It’s alright if you like Heejin - that’s what this whole thing-” she gestures to the table with her fork, pointing out how the seats are empty besides the two of them “-is about, right?”

“Me? Liking _Heejin_?” Hyunjin asks incredulously. “Our Heejin? That terrible cook who still carries around a stuffed bunny and yells at me if I don’t hold her hand across the street? Why the hell would I like her? Why the hell would I-”

Haseul looks pointedly at her, making Hyunjin stop with her mini-rant. Still, the thought of how ridiculous it is that Haseul thinks she likes Heejin continues on. Heejin’s probably the complete opposite of Hyunjin’s type! Sure, she’s sweet, talented, and funny but… she’s a girl!  
And well, Hyunjin isn’t gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Hyunjin’s parents always taught her that other people should be respected, no matter their race, sexuality, religion, what have you.  
But therein lies the issue. It’s always about other people. Other people could like girls and boys, they have that choice. But in the back of her mind, Hyunjin always felt like maybe it would be different if it was her.  
Her parents are accepting but she feels like maybe if it was their own daughter, they’d change their minds. It’s ridiculous, sure, but Hyunjin has this innate fear that their so-called unconditional love could be lost if it turns out that she isn’t the perfect straight daughter.

But anyway, Hyunjin isn’t gay.

At least, she doesn’t _think_ she is.  
She’s always liked guys - their taller statures, their deeper voices, their rougher attitudes. How could it be that Heejin, who had none of those qualities (well, her voice could be sort of deep at times), could capture her attention so wholly?

It isn’t like Hyunjin’s attracted to girls. She’s surrounded by pretty girls all the time - she isn’t blind, she knows that her friends are drop dead gorgeous - but never felt anything.

Take Haseul for example.  
Hyunjin looks up to see the older girl trying (and failing) to cut through a cherry tomato with her plastic fork. Objectively, Hyunjin thinks Haseul’s beautiful, appreciates the pretty curve of her eyes, the dark waves of her cascading hair, the downright adorable crinkle of her nose as she bites into her food. But Hyunjin isn’t _attracted_ to any of that.

But when it comes to Heejin, all the things Hyunjin never thought she’d be attracted to come together in the most beautiful way.

Hyunjin sits up a little to fix her eyes on where Heejin is sitting across the room. Their eyes meet and Hyunjin can’t bear to look away. Fortunately [or maybe unfortunately, Hyunjin hasn’t decided yet], Heejin looks away for the both of them.

Anyways, Hyunjin’s never liked long hair. But when she thinks about how Heejin’s tickles her shoulders as they walk too close or how Heejin’s perfectly frames her face making her look impossibly prettier, she thinks that maybe she’s liked long hair all along.

Hyunjin’s never liked small hands. But she can’t deny the fluttering in her stomach when Heejin’s dainty ones are engulfed in hers whenever their hands clasp together. Sometimes Hyunjin stares for too long at how Heejin’s hands skillfully maneuver around a guitar fret, focuses too hard on how Heejin’s fingers curl to press down on the strings.

So what is it? What is it about Heejin that makes everything Hyunjin’s ever known about love, everything she's ever known about herself, irrelevant?

Hyunjin watches as Heejin takes a long drink of water from Jiwoo’s water bottle, her head tilted back to avoid touching it with her lips as she sprays the water into her mouth. She watches how her throat bobs with each gulp. Subconsciously, Hyunjin gulps as well. For some reason, her mouth feels as dry as a desert.

Wow.

Okay so, maybe Hyunjin is a teeny tiny bit gay. But only for Heejin, as if she’s some exception to Hyunjin’s rule. Hyunjin could handle that, she's used to having the same-aged girl affect her in ways no one ever could.

“Alright,” Hyunjin says, making Haseul focus her attention back on her. “Maybe, just maybe, I like Heejin.”

Now it’s Haseul’s turn to nod.

“But so what?” Hyunjin throws her hands up in defeat. “What am I supposed to do with that information?”

“Well usually when someone likes someone, they tell them,” Haseul says, matter-of-factly. “Y’know, just go up to her and say: “I like your face, wanna date?”.” For some reason, Haseul chooses to put on a terrible impression of Hyunjin (she’s pretty sure she doesn’t talk anything like that) to illustrate the potential ‘confession’, causing Hyunjin to make a face at her. “It’ll be easy.”

“Yeah?” Hyunjin rolls her eyes and folds her arms over her chest. Honestly, Haseul pretending as if it’s easy to confess to someone is laughable. “Managed to do that with Vivi unnie yet?”

“Wha- our situations are completely different!”

Hyunjin quirks an eyebrow. “In what way are they any different?” she asks, sarcastically. “Girl likes girl. Girl doesn't have the guts to ask the other girl out. Girl sits at a different table to avoid her feelings. Same thing.”

“Except Heejin actually likes you back!” Haseul exclaims.

“Alright, alright, I’m kidding. No need to yell it so the whole school hears.”

“It might not be as easy as I’m saying it is, but…” she moves in closer to Hyunjin, “you need to tell her.”

“You know how hard it’s been to talk to her lately? I couldn’t even manage to text asking what homework we had. It’ll be like hell trying to confess.”

Hyunjin weakly laughs. It’s sort of funny how someone who you could tell everything to can immediately become someone impossible to talk to. It took weeks for them to form such a close bond but in a matter of seconds, just a few words ruined it all.

“And, I don't even think I could say the right words in front of her. I- I could mess up and say something I don't mean. Ruin it all over again.”

_You told me to forget i-_

“You could write a letter,” Haseul suggests. “That way you can’t say the wrong thing.”

Hyunjin makes another disgusted face.

“That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

A love letter? Confessing that way would be nauseatingly cheesy, to say the least. She’d be like the typical girl in a high school drama, handing her love interest an envelope filled with her deepest thoughts.

But Heejin loves cheesy. Heejin loves to watch those shitty romance dramas, cheers when the main couple kisses for the first time, bursts into tears at whatever conflict comes up.

Since Hyunjin ruined Heejin’s first kiss, she feels like she needs to do something drastic to repair their friendship - and hopefully move them into something more.

Hyunjin looks up to see Heejin smiling at their friends, then dropping that smile the second they look away. She watches as Heejin picks at her food with her chopsticks, her lunch nearly as uneaten as Hyunjin’s, clearly feeling just as distraught that they hadn’t spoken in days. Hyunjin can't help but to feel terrible that she’s the reason Heejin isn't smiling, isn't eating, isn't acting the same.

“Fine, I’ll write the stupid letter.”


	4. Chapter 4

To say that avoiding Hyunjin was hard on Heejin would be an understatement.

For as long as they had been friends, they were practically stuck to each other. They memorised each others’ timetables, waited by each others’ lockers, and Heejin even made a point to watch Hyunjin’s various sports games after school. To put it lightly, their decision to be apart changed many aspects of their daily lives.

Like their shared classes, for example. Their closeness made their choice to sit next to each other a natural decision, the farthest thing from awkward. But now that they weren’t speaking, Heejin finds herself stuck in an awkward silence where she struggles not to break and start talking to her. Every class that they have together now feels unbearable, definitely the worst hours of the day.

Especially Maths, Heejin’s worst subject.  
She could never understand or even memorise the countless formulae they used on a daily basis, much less solve the problems they were assigned.

Like most days, the teacher goes through a slideshow so boring that it almost puts Heejin to sleep, then drones through a similarly dull lecture, and gives out yet another worksheet with problems for the students to work on.

As soon as the sheet touches the desk in front of her, Heejin’s face morphs into a look of confusion.

_What does that squiggly line mean again?_

Since she’d usually turn to Hyunjin for help, Heejin instinctively opens her mouth to whisper to the girl beside her- who seems to be breezing through the problems - but eventually stops herself.

_Right, we’re ignoring each other._

The clock in front of the class ticks. For what feels like the hundredth time, Heejin looks up at it and grimaces. Fifteen minutes until class ends. Heejin’s practically sure that the minute hand is stuck - it feels like she’s been festering away in this classroom for days.

Back to the worksheet. The numbers and blank spaces where answers should be are almost taunting Heejin, mocking her for not being mature enough to end the silence and ask for help.

Hyunjin shifts as she stretches her leg out. The fabric of her skirt brushes against Heejin’s thigh and her instantaneous reaction is to bite the inside of her cheek as her heart rushes from the slight contact.

When did this happen? Just a week ago, Hyunjin’s touches had meant nothing more than friendly affection. They never used to make Heejin’s heart thrum impossibly fast against her ribcage, make her head swim with unwanted thoughts.

All too soon, Hyunjin shifts her leg again and they’re back to their too-far positions.

After Heejin scrawls down some half-assed solutions, the bell finally rings. Almost immediately, most students stand up and start packing their books away into their backpacks. Heejin does the same, watching Hyunjin from the corner of her eye.

She sees how Hyunjin moves in a slow, almost sluggish fashion, all too different from the way she’d usually scramble to be one of the first to leave. Heejin can’t help but think that Hyunjin’s slowness is for her sake, to make an excuse as to why they won’t leave for the cafeteria together.

A little hurt, Heejin walks out of the classroom briskly, not sparing another glance to the other girl. She bows a little to the teacher and mutters a brief thanks for the lesson.

* * *

 

Heejin and Hyunjin always walked home together. It was easier that way. They both took the same train to their respective streets, after all. Of course, that part of their routine also changed what with their choice to ignore each other.  
So for the past three days, Heejin walked home alone, her usual laugh-filled walk with Hyunjin replaced by its much lonelier counterpart.

Today, however, Heejin has Jiwoo to keep her company.

Out of her numerous close friends, Jiwoo’s the one Heejin considers almost like a sister.  
Heejin’s own sisters had gone off to university, leaving Heejin alone in their too-big house, and now Jiwoo sort of filled that big sister role in her life. Because of that, Heejin confided in the older girl and told her all about the difficult situation she’s facing with Hyunjin. She explained her messy feelings towards the Hyunjin, her frustration with their avoidance of each other, and her dislike for the loneliness she felt during her trips home.

To Heejin’s relief, Jiwoo showcased nothing but understanding towards her situation, not even batting an eyelash at her falling for another girl. Jiwoo spoke a little about her own experiences with love, an experience she cryptically described as scarily similar to Heejin’s own.

No doubt that was the reason that Jiwoo chose to forego her choir practice to take Heejin home, an action that Heejin considers sweet but unnecessary. Heejin knows that Jiwoo feels bad for her and appreciates the older girl not wanting her to feel alone, so she lets Jiwoo accompany her with little argument.

They make it to the train station with little difficulty, in fact, Heejin finds it even simpler than walking with Hyunjin normally was. Usually, she’d have to quicken her pace to match with Hyunjin’s, only to be playfully teased if she lagged behind.

That being said, their slow pace means that when they reach the train station, they practically have to race to reach their train. They barely make it in time, their breathing laboured from having had to sprint.  
The doors close and luckily they find two empty seats. As soon as they sit, they start up a conversation once more.

“You didn’t have to walk home with me, unnie,” Heejin says, “I’m fine with being alone for a bit.”

Jiwoo tilts her head to the side and seems to contemplate Heejin’s words. “I’m just being a good friend,” Jiwoo replies. “Friendship’s really important, dontcha think?” She smiles her usual wide smile, shining as brightly as the sun.

Without even thinking, Heejin nods.

To pass the time, they end up playing games. ‘I Spy’ quickly becomes too boring (nothing interesting passes them by) so they start playing ‘Would You Rather?’. The questions start off pretty normally.

Would you rather own a cat or a dog? Dog. They both agree. Heejin says that she’s allergic to fur, and so she was never allowed to own either. Jiwoo suggests owning a Sphynx cat.

Would you rather lose your best friend or all of your friends except for your best friend? Jiwoo gasps loudly, attracting some attention from the passengers near her, before answering that she’d rather lose her best friend. As Heejin laughs at her dramatic response, Jiwoo texts a rushed apology to Jungeun, only making Heejin laugh harder at Jungeun’s ‘?’ in reply.

Would you rather have love or friendship?

“Love,” Heejin immediately answers, before faltering a little, “wait no, friendship. But you have to love your friends right? So… love?”  
Jiwoo’s uncharacteristically silent beside her, so she flounders a little.  
“I mean, I guess that’s a different kind of love. Obviously, you wouldn’t love a friend romantically,” Heejin continues. “But you could - hypothetically, of course - fall in love with a friend. That’s alright, right?”

Jiwoo frowns a little, hesitating before shaking her head. “I don’t think you should mix love and friendship,” Jiwoo says, sadly, “that can get a bit complicated.”

“They sorta get mixed on their own.” Heejin sighs. “Then you can’t stop thinking of one without the other.”

Inside Heejin’s mind, the question she couldn’t answer still remains. Would she rather have love or friendship? And why did she pick love so quickly?

“You know,” Jiwoo says, “sometimes you have to give up the chance to have something you really, _really_ want for something you need.”

“...What do you mean?”

“Just to clarify, we’re talking about you and Hyunjin, right?” Heejin doesn’t respond, but Jiwoo continues anyway. “Well, in this case, Hyunjin is what you really, really want.” Jiwoo holds up one of her hands.

Heejin blushes a little at the older girl’s blunt phrasing but doesn’t interrupt.

“And it’s that want that’s preventing you from having what you need.” Jiwoo lifts up her other hand. “Hyunjin as your friend. Like right now. You’re avoiding each other because you want more than she’s ready to give. You’ve made your friendship complicated by mixing in that love and now you don’t have her at all.”

Heejin contemplates her words for a while. Could it really be true? Did she really have to choose between admitting her feelings and keeping her friendship? “So I have to choose, huh? Love or friendship,” Heejin weakly says. Her eyes fixate on the train’s grimy floor, unable to look Jiwoo in the eyes.

Love or friendship? The thought of choosing between the two terrifies Heejin. She’s never wanted for anything as much as she wants to choose both. Having Hyunjin as a friend made for the happiest moments of her life. Losing that closeness would be the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. But having her as a girlfriend would be...  _amazing._

“It’s a bit obvious which one you should pick, dontcha think?” Jiwoo says. “Cause if you admit that you want more, you could lose her. You probably will lose her. After all, when you kissed her, she only pushed you away.”

Jiwoo tenderly puts her hand on Heejin’s shoulder, trying to console the younger girl. “I know it’s hard, Heejin, but it’s the truth… At least if you stay friends, you’ll be by her side.” Heejin looks back up. “It’ll hurt but having her as a friend is better than not having her at all.”

“I know, _I know_ ,” Heejin says firmly as if trying to convince herself. “Some part of me wants to keep pretending that one day we’ll end up together,” Heejin admits. She laughs a little, but she half-chokes up. “It’s pathetic, right? Hoping for something that’ll never happen. I’m pathetic.”

“No, no, you’re not pathetic.” Jiwoo wraps her up in a hug, her arms effortlessly positioning themselves over Heejin’s shoulders. “I get how you feel. Sometimes when you want something really badly, you’ll convince yourself that it’ll happen. And love… it’s something most people desperately want. It’s something hard to let go of, even if you know it’s for the best. But you have to, Heejin. You have to let go.”

In Jiwoo’s embrace, Heejin dissolves into tears, no longer caring about the other passengers on the train.

“It hurts so bad, unnie,” Heejin says, her chest constricting as she struggled to breathe. “I don’t want to feel like this -- but I don’t want it to go away either. Kissing her… it’s the happiest I’ve ever been. But at the same time, it’s the reason why I’m hurting now.”

“I get it, Heejin, I really do.” Jiwoo rubs Heejin’s back in comforting circles, almost breaking into tears of her own. “But you can’t keep hurting yourself like this. Feelings like that, they’ll just tear you apart,” Jiwoo sighs. “Once you put that feeling behind you, it’ll get easier. I promise.”

“Speaking from experience?” Heejin murmurs into Jiwoo’s shoulder.

Jiwoo doesn’t answer her.

Heejin calms down after a while and they break apart. Eventually, they reach Jiwoo’s stop. As she’s stepping off the train, she leaves Heejin with a few parting words. “If you want things to go back to the way they were, you’re gonna have to make that choice, Heejin. And you have to choose the right one.“

Love or friendship?

If she goes by Jiwoo’s example, she would have to choose friendship, right? As far as Heejin knows, Jiwoo’s not in a relationship. Logically, Jiwoo would have chosen to give up her chance for love to save her friendship.

But Heejin isn’t Jiwoo.

And if she’s being honest with herself, she didn’t want things to go back to the way they were. She wants things to be better. She wants Hyunjin.

_Sometimes you have to give up the chance to have something you really, really want for something you need._

By the time Heejin gets off of the train, she knows exactly what she has to do next.


	5. Chapter 5

The second she gets home, Hyunjin chucks her bag to one side of her room and sits at her desk. Determined, she gets out her pen and paper and starts to write what’s been on her mind for days.

_Dear Heejin,_

Alone in her bedroom, Hyunjin writes and rewrites the letter about a thousand times. She has so much she wants to say, and yet no words that could properly express her feelings come to mind. It certainly doesn’t help that she herself doesn’t know how she feels.

It’s as if her vocabulary was quartered the second she put her pen to the lined paper; she struggles to find any words that could describe the feelings that have been crowding her mind.

Annoyed, she crumples up yet another piece of paper and tosses it to her now overflowing trash can.

She picks up her pen and tries again.

_Dear Heejin,_

_That night on the beach, I don't know why but I felt like I had to kiss you._

Another groan. Another paper gets crumpled up and thrown into the trash.

Because the words aren't completely correct. It wasn't just the beach, but a collection of all the moments they had spent together, maybe even starting from the moment their eyes met. The beach was just the night Hyunjin finally realised it, a catalyst for her confession.

_Dear Heejin,_

_I think I love you. And that thought fucking terrifies me._

Love? Isn’t it way too soon to call it that? Just like she had done in previous drafts, Hyunjin second-guesses her words, making her want to start all over again.

Irritated at herself and her indecisiveness, Hyunjin crosses out the word over and over until her pen goes through the paper and scratches her wooden desk.

The pen falls to the floor as Hyunjin moves to hold her head in her hands.

 _Why is this so fucking hard?,_  she thinks, her eyes closed in frustration. _I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Maybe I should just give up. Why am I doing this anyway?_

Eventually, her eyes open. Her eyes meet a string of polaroid pictures hanging directly above her, ultimately fixating on the one in the middle. It’s the most recent picture out of all of them, but probably the most important. It’s a simple picture, just the two of them standing next to each other on Heejin’s birthday, but it means so much.

Face still in her hands, Hyunjin laughs a little at the way Heejin’s face is smeared with cake, amused by the memory of her dragging her finger through the frosting and covering the birthday girl with it.

She remembers when she had asked Heejin what she wished for as she blew out her candles, Heejin admitted that she wished that they could spend all her future birthdays together. Hyunjin remembers the fluttering in her chest, how she pushed away those unknown feelings to tease Heejin about how overly sentimental she was being.

 _That’s why I’m doing this,_ Hyunjin thinks, answering her own question. _Because of those feelings that I couldn’t admit yet. Because I also want to spend all her birthdays together. Because of her._

Filled with a new resolve to finish the letter, Hyunjin starts to write again. Unlike her previous attempts, she doesn’t stop to question herself. She scribbles down each and every thought until her hand hurts.

The letter ends up being a bit of a mess, more of a jumble of thoughts than a coherent confession, but it gets its point across. More importantly, it has everything Hyunjin wants to say to her.

Finally satisfied, Hyunjin sets her pen down and leans back in her chair.

All that’s left to do is to give it to her.

She makes a promise to herself to give it to Heejin the next time she sees her, not wanting to give herself time to back out.

In the corner of her eye, Hyunjin can see darkness outside her window. She must have been writing for hours, the bright afternoon had turned into the late evening without her even realising it.

On Hyunjin’s desk, her phone lights up and buzzes. Glancing at its lit-up screen, Hyunjin watches as Heejin’s contact name pops up three times with various texts following it.

[heejin pabo ♡: Hyunjinnie~]

[heejin pabo ♡: Look out your window]

[heejin pabo ♡: Hurry up its cold out here]

Hyunjin’s eyes widen in surprise. Right now? She didn’t expect to have to confess so immediately.

She scrambles to her window and pokes her head out, seeing Heejin’s standing outside. Still dressed in their uniform, Heejin’s hands are situated above her head as she waves like a madman.

 _Well, no wonder she’s cold,_ Hyunjin thinks, _she doesn’t have a jacket on._

“Yah! What are you doing?” Hyunjin calls out to her.

“I needed to see you!” Heejin shouts back in explanation. “We need to talk!” Heejin walks towards the tree on Hyunjin’s front lawn, rolling up her sleeves as if preparing to climb it to get to Hyunjin’s window. She reaches out to grab a branch until Hyunjin shouts again.

“What the hell?” Hyunjin exclaims. _What kind of romcom does Heejin think we’re living in? That tree doesn’t even reach my window._ “Come through the front door like a normal person!”

“Oh, right!” Heejin takes her foot off of the base of the tree. “That’s probably a better idea!”

Pulling her head back into the warmth of her room, Hyunjin closes her curtains and exits her room. She rushes down the stairs to answer the door, her mother catching a glimpse of her as she comes down. “Oh, there you are, sweetie! I’ve been calling you for dinner--”

The doorbell rings.

“I’ll answer it. It’s just Heejin,” Hyunjin says, “we’re going to talk... I hope.”

“Well, is she staying for dinner?” her mother asks, “Your father and I miss having her around.”

“I dunno. Depends on how well this talk goes, I guess.”

Worst case scenario, Heejin reads the letter, hates her for feeling that way, storms out and never talks to her again. In that particular scenario, the answer would be no, Heejin probably wouldn’t want to stay for dinner.

The doorbell rings again. And again. And again.

“Alright! Alright! I’m coming, just shut up!” Hyunjin shouts out.

“I’ll set another place at the table, just in case.” Her mother eyes the door and smiles at Heejin, who’s waving at her through the glass. She waves back before heading to their dining room.

Hyunjin goes up to the door, takes in a deep breath, and opens it.

* * *

 

“I missed you,” Heejin says. “I know we were only apart for like, three days, but I really missed you.”

After Hyunjin had dragged her upstairs, Heejin had plopped down on Hyunjin’s bed as she’d done dozens of times before. She closed her eyes as soon as her head hit Hyunjin’s pillow, smiling a little to herself.

Hyunjin chose to sit at her desk, wanting to be right next to the letter so she could hand it to the other girl as quickly as possible.

Hyunjin’s hand shakes slightly as she grabs the letter.

“Heejin, I-” she starts, holding it in her hands.

“No, I need to say this. Can you let me talk first?”

Hyunjin falters a little, eyes focused on the girl laying on her bed. “...sure.”

“I started missing you even before we stopped talking to each other,” Heejin admits. “The second you walked away from me after we kissed, everything changed.” Her eyes flutter open and their gazes connect. “I felt so _fucking_ lonely, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin opens her mouth to reply but finds that she has nothing to say.

“It was like I lost my best friend,” Heejin continues. “Those kisses were amazing but… they’re not worth our friendship.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin says, setting the letter back down on her desk. Friendship, Hyunjin realises, is all Heejin wants from her. “I agree.”

“Everything changed because of that _stupid kiss_ and I- I don’t want anything to change between us.” Heejin sits up, so their eyes are at the same level. “I can’t stand the thought of not being your friend anymore.”

Getting up from her chair, Hyunjin sits next to Heejin, leaving the letter behind her. Ignoring the stab in her chest at the bitter way Heejin talked about their kiss, she starts to speak.

“Nothing has to change,” she assures Heejin. “We can forget all about that night and move on.” _Apparently, Heejin already did move on_ , a small part of Hyunjin’s brain reminds her, _she kissed someone else, remember?_ “Just pretend it never happened.”

Heejin nods. Wordlessly, Heejin pulls her into the tightest hug they’ve ever shared. Hyunjin’s heart skips a little in her chest and she curses herself for it. “I’m just so afraid I’ll lose this,” Heejin says, her words muffled against the fabric of Hyunjin’s shirt. “I’m so afraid I’ll lose _you_.”

Hyunjin returns the embrace, wrapping her arms around the other girl. “Heejin,” Hyunjin says, “you could never lose me.” She shuts her eyes tight and presses a comforting kiss into Heejin’s hair. In her head, she decides that this type of kiss (a completely platonic one) is all that they’re ever going to share. No matter how much she wants the other girl.

This is what Heejin needs. She doesn’t need someone who walks away and leaves her all alone in the dark. She doesn’t need someone that takes hours just to figure out the correct words to write. She doesn’t need Hyunjin to love her like that. She needs a friend. By loving her, Hyunjin had been selfish.

Still holding on, Hyunjin decides to forget.

Her heart feels as heavy as lead in her chest but she knows she made the right choice. After all, she promised to do anything to make Heejin happy. And that kiss? All it did was tear them apart and make both of them miserable.

“Pinky promise?” Heejin asks.

Hyunjin breaks away from the hug and links her pinky with Heejin’s. “Pinky promise.”

 _I promise,_ Hyunjin thinks, _I’ll do anything to make you happy. And if that means that I have to forget how I feel about you, I’ll do it._

Heejin breaks into a grin and practically jumps into Hyunjin for another hug. Hyunjin forces herself to smile as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote the entire confession letter, you'll see it soon dw


	6. Chapter 6

After a laughter-filled dinner with Hyunjin’s family - at this point Heejin feels as if she's closer to Hyunjin's parents than her own - the two settle back into Hyunjin’s room.

They sit and chat about nothing and everything, somehow ending up with them both lying down on Hyunjin’s bed, faces mere inches apart. Heejin can almost feel the other girl’s breath tickling her face, their close proximity making her heart flutter in her chest.

As Heejin speaks, she notices how Hyunjin looks at her, giving her all of her attention and making Heejin feel as if the world only consists of the two of them. Heejin wonders if Hyunjin’s always looked at her like that, all soft and sweet, wonders how it took her so long to notice.

“But then I realised I couldn’t--” Heejin’s words stop in her throat, too distracted by the other girl’s sheer beauty to continue talking.

The moonlight filters in from the window, its light glow forming an almost halo around Hyunjin’s head. It’s silly, Heejin’s must have looked at Hyunjin thousands of times, but never before has Hyunjin looked so soft, so ethereal. All her thoughts leave, instead her mind is filled with the image of the girl in front of her.

“You couldn’t...?” Hyunjin asks, imploring her to continue with her story. Her head tilts to the side, her eyes still focused on Heejin.

“I- I don’t remember what I was talking about,” Heejin admits with a slight laugh, an odd mix of nervous and relaxed.

“Then don’t speak.”

Heejin’s never been quite comfortable with silence, usually feeling the need to fill the gaps with nonsense. But with Hyunjin, she finds that she’s perfectly content to just lay together, no words necessary.

Heejin isn’t sure of how long they spend lying next to each other, all of her senses are too hyperfocused on Hyunjin to pay attention to the time. Somehow, in the midst of the silence, they had moved even closer together, Hyunjin’s hand now resting comfortably on Heejin’s forearm. Hyunjin edges her hand up and up, her fingertips grazing her skin so gently it almost tickles.

Heejin wonders how another person’s house so quickly became like home for her, how the now-familiar scenery of Hyunjin’s bedroom feels more comfortable than her own. She thinks the girl in front of her is to blame. With Hyunjin’s hand spreading warmth to her entire body, Heejin thinks that she’s never felt so warm, so comfortable, so at peace than when she's right next to her.

After her hand finishes trailing up Heejin’s arm to her shoulder, Hyunjin’s eyebrows go up as if just realising what she’s doing. She jerks her hand away as if she’s been burned, all too similar as that night when she pushed Heejin away.

Hyunjin starts to move away, albeit slowly and with great reluctance. Heejin immediately misses her warmth, that feeling of home all but disappearing. “Sorry, I--”

“No,” Heejin blurts out, saying the words she wanted to say on that beach, “stay.”

Hyunjin freezes right where she is, her hand hanging heavy in the still air.

With the moon illuminating Hyunjin’s features perfectly, Heejin feels a sudden need to capture her beauty in this moment. “Stay just like that,” she commands in a whisper, “I’ll draw you.”

Hyunjin stands upright immediately after Heejin grabs a pencil and piece of paper from Hyunjin’s desk, tearing the paper away from Heejin before she can even see what's written on it. Heejin watches, bewildered, as the other girl hastily folds the paper up and stuffs it into a drawer.

“What--”

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Hyunjin interrupts, grabbing an empty sheet of paper and placing it into Heejin’s hands. Her words are almost too fast to decipher and Heejin can only nod in response.

Hyunjin drops back down onto her bed, instantly taking an exaggerated pose. “Draw me like one of your french girls,” she jokes, successfully distracting Heejin from the piece of paper she had taken.

Heejin wouldn’t necessarily call herself the best artist in the world, but she definitely tries her best. As with every sketch she’s done of Hyunjin, she tries to capture her fondness with every movement of the pencil.

The second she’s satisfied, she shows Hyunjin with pride.

“This is really pretty,” Hyunjin tells her. “Guess your model was stunning, huh?” Hyunjin dramatically flips her hair.

“Nah, I’m just such a great artist that I can make her ugly face look good.”

Hyunjin, offended, shoves her lightly. “You're such a dick,” Hyunjin mumbles, any real heat to the words is lost in the giant grin plastered on her face.

“It really did turn out well, though,” Heejin says, a little proud at herself.

“Like the day we first met.” Hyunjin’s eyes squint, trying to remember something. “Actually, hold onto that thought.” She stands up once again.

Heejin sits back onto the bed, watching Hyunjin’s face light up as she opens the top drawer. She’s still slightly curious as to what is on the piece of paper Hyunjin had hidden in that very same drawer just moments ago, but she chooses to trust that Hyunjin will show her whenever she’s ready.

“Ta-da,” Hyunjin says, handing her a neatly-folded piece of paper with a smile, “open it.”

Heejin carefully unfolds the page, breaking into a grin as soon as she realises what she’s holding.

“You kept it,” Heejin says happily, surprise evident on her face. As she holds the piece of paper in her hands, the pleasant memories come flooding back.

It was her first day in a new school, only a week after her family had settled into the town. She remembers feeling so flustered and lost in the new environment, only to be saved by the girl with a pretty smile who had kindly offered the seat next to her. Wanting to capture the moment, Heejin had drawn Hyunjin, the first person who had been kind to her and the first friend she ever made here.

“Of course I did,” Hyunjin replies, her voice uncharacteristically soft, “you made it.”

Heejin knows that the other girl cares about her - that much is clear - but having Hyunjin showcase it so blatantly fills her chest with the exact feeling she’s been trying to avoid.

Could her choice have been wrong? Was there a chance that they have been more? Maybe she cared about Heejin as more than a best friend, and maybe these actions were her way of showing it. On the other hand, Heejin could have lost this, lost their easy banter, lost this comfortable feeling she only ever experiences with the other girl.

Gazing at the still-open drawer, Heejin notices a folded piece of paper with her name clearly written at the front with a heart at the end. Heejin’s hold on the drawing tightens. 

* * *

 

Love or friendship?

Looking around the full cafeteria table, Heejin’s certain she’s made the right choice. After Heejin chose to revive their friendship, almost instantly, everything falls right back into place.

She smiles a little to herself at the sight of Hyunjin slyly stealing fries from Yeojin’s tray, only to be caught by Haseul and scolded. The table had felt uncomfortably empty the past few days without their presence; their friend group was overall more chaotic without Haseul reprimanding them for the shenanigans they got up to.

Having Hyunjin right back at her side… it just feels right.

Speaking of Hyunjin, Heejin notices that the other girl is silent beside her, the sounds of her bickering with and annoying Yeojin now completely gone. Heejin turns her head to look at her and is surprised to see that Hyunjin’s been staring the entire time.

Wordlessly, Hyunjin tucks a strand of hair behind Heejin's ear. Her forefinger grazes the shell of her ear, so softly that Heejin wouldn’t have noticed if she wasn’t so hyper aware of Hyunjin’s every movement. Heejin gasps a little at the contact, and she hopes that no one else notices.

“There, perfect,” Hyunjin whispers, as if this moment is theirs and theirs alone to share. Her eyes widen as she realises what she's done. “Oh, uh, sorry. Habit.”

Heejin wonders what exactly she's apologising for, wonders which part of that exchange was done out of habit.

If the line between love and friendship was blurry back then, it is most certainly clear now. Heejin tries to not let it get to her, how calculated Hyunjin has become about their skinship, but her hurt must show on her face, if the sad looks on the other girls’ faces are anything to go by.

It seems like Heejin has to continually remind herself that this is enough, that this friendship is all she really needs. She wonders if Jiwoo thinks the same thing, if the friendship the older girl chose is enough to satisfy desire for the love she is foregoing.

Glancing up at Jiwoo (who seems to be willing herself not to laugh just that little bit harder at Sooyoung's jokes), Heejin wonders how she never saw it before. That restraint, that pain. Jiwoo had told her on that train that ignoring her feelings would get easier but it’s clear that she's still struggling herself.

Heejin almost pities the older girl. Her heart breaks a little in her chest when she sees Jiwoo practically swooning when Sooyoung breaks into a captivating laugh, and it breaks even more when she sees Jiwoo close her eyes and shake her head as if internally chastising herself.

“Have you thought about the offer, Heejin?” Haseul asks, bringing Heejin out of her thoughts.

“No, I haven’t thought about it all,” Heejin lies, “I actually almost forgot about it.” Haseul raises an eyebrow at her, obviously not falling for it.

In reality, Heejin had stayed up all night thinking about it. What would happen if she says yes? If she goes to the audition and gets accepted? Would she have to leave all of the things she loves here? Leave her friends, family, and Hyunjin behind? The thought of leaving makes her feel bittersweet, an uncomfortable and unpleasant weight on her heart.

“Offer?” Hyunjin asks them, her words muffled around the fries she’s stuffed into her mouth. “What offer?”

“Well, when we went shopping yesterday, this guy came up to us,” Haseul begins explaining. “He asked if we had any interest in becoming idols and told us that we should audition for this company. I think it was called, um…” she trailed off, head tilting as she struggles to remember the name.

“Blockberry Creative,” Heejin fills in, exposing her lie that she hadn’t thought about it.

“Oh, BBC? You’re talking about the audition next Sunday, right?” Jungeun interjects. “My, uh, my friend’s auditioning too. Maybe you’ll see her there.”

Hyunjin gulps quickly, the speed of her action causing her to cough in her hand. “Audition? Next Sunday?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” Heejin blurts out, “I’m not really… sure what I want yet.”

“You should go,” Hyunjin says, enunciating pointedly. “What’s more important than chasing your dream?”

 _You_ , Heejin almost says, but doesn’t.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Despite their closeness, Hyunjin hasn’t actually known Heejin for very long. Call Hyunjin naive, but she had expected to be with Heejin for a long time, enough time to learn her insecurities and doubts, the little things that made her smile, every insignificant detail there was to know about her.

So the thought that Heejin might be taken away from her is daunting. And by next Sunday, an audition that might just do that very thing is going to happen. It’s no secret that trainee life is hard and time-consuming. No doubt, Heejin would have no time to keep coming back to their small town from Seoul, especially as Heejin (unlike Haseul, who’s lived here her entire life) didn’t have anything that would make her want to come back.

Hyunjin might never get the chance to plan that road trip they had always talked about. Hyunjin might never get to walk her home again. Hyunjin might never get to tell her how she feels. Hyunjin might never-

She stares down at the letter, the very same one she’s been carrying around for a week, the entire time filled with her debating handing it over to the girl it was written for. Hyunjin’s practically memorised every word by now, having read and reread the contents over and over until her eyes grew sore. 

After hearing the news of Haseul and Heejin’s imminent audition, Hyunjin had excused herself to the bathroom, where (luckily) she found herself alone. She had looked vacantly at herself in the dirtied mirror and tried to recollect her thoughts, eventually grabbing the letter from her backpack to deliberate some more.

Hyunjin grips the sides of the sink, her knuckles whitening, eyes never leaving the paper below her. A drop falls onto the page, staining the inked words, and Hyunjin is quick to wipe the eye it fell from, wiping and wiping it with her sleeve until her eyes turned red and the tears slowed. 

She laughed bitterly to herself as her eyes meet her least favourite part of the letter, the words she had written not too long ago now sounding naive and just plain stupid. 

“I love you,” Hyunjin reads mockingly, her words sharp and judging as she shakes her head. 

“Stupid letter,” she spits out, grabbing it in her shaking hands. “Stupid Hyunjin. Why are you so fucking-” Her hands meet at the top edge of the page, grasping it tightly. With a jerk, she rips it fully in half, the tearing sound filling her with an odd sensation of satisfaction and guilt. As she goes to tear it again, the bathroom door swings open.

“Whoa,” Sooyoung exclaims. The older girl’s eyes are wide with shock. She’s clearly surprised to see Hyunjin like this, her eyes rubbed red from raging tears, her shoulders and hands shaking. “What the fuck are you doing?” Sooyoung’s gaze flitters to the pieces of paper in her hands, no doubt being able to read the large lettering of Heejin’s name across it even in its torn state.

“I-” Hyunjin’s eyes dart to the ground. “This letter’s worthless. I was throwing it in the trash where it belongs.”

Before she can crumple it in her hands, Sooyoung stops her with a question that pierces her heart.

“Don’t you think Heejin deserves to know?”

“Look, it’s not really any of your business,” Hyunjin bites out, her words turning cold and angry. She’s always hated feeling vulnerable in front of other people, not wanting to seem weak, so she instinctively goes on the defensive. “Just go away.”

“It is my business,” Sooyoung presses, taking small steps towards the younger girl. “Heejin’s my friend and you’re- you’re hurting her.” A pause befalls them and Hyunjin takes the time to sniffle, “Fuck, you’re my friend, Hyun. You have to give this to her. For both of your sakes.”

“It won’t do anything, it- my feelings don’t matter.”

“I can’t stand this,” Sooyoung bursts out, “how can you even say that?”

“She’s leaving,” Hyunjin says, her voice suddenly quiet, “and she doesn’t like me back so--”

“Are you kidding me? How can you not tell? She’s so fucking in love with you.”

“Uh, no she isn’t,” Hyunjin scoffs, denying the words right as they come out of Sooyoung’s mouth. “Why would she? My feelings- they’ve only ever hurt her. I’ve only ever hurt her. This-” she gestures to the torn pieces of paper “-this is how I make sure I never hurt her again.”

“Look, I don’t know why. But I do know the way you look at her. I know that she looks at you the same way. You’re the only one hurting yourself at this point, pretending you’re okay.”

“I’m fine with hurting myself," Hyunjin says, truthfully, "if it’s for her.”

“But you’re hurting her!” Sooyoung shouts. Hyunjin’s never seen her so angry before, the crazed look in her eye intimidating the younger girl into silence. “Every time you ignore your feelings because you think it’s what’ll make everything okay again. Every time you pull away and try to just be friends. Every time you try to convince yourself you’re not in love. You’re hurting her and you know that!“

Hyunjin tries to interrupt, but Sooyoung just continues with her rant. 

“Every time you’re selfish enough to give in and _kiss her_ , you’re destroying everything. You can’t just use her without admitting you’re something more than friends, Sooyoung!”

Sooyoung’s not even looking at her direction anymore, her eyebrows furrowed as she tries to calm herself down.

“...What are you talking about?” Hyunjin asks, confused by Sooyoung's outburst.

“Huh?” 

“You called me Sooyoung. And I’ve only ever kissed Heejin once. Wha-”

“I- ignore that. It- that part wasn’t really about you.” Sooyoung sighs, her shoulders descending as the tension left her body. The intensity in her eyes stays, however, making her next command all the more chilling. “Give her the damn letter.”

“But-”

“Look,” Sooyoung interrupts yet again, “don’t you think she deserves to know? Even if she doesn’t feel the same?”

“I… I guess.”

“Don’t fuck up like I did, alright?” Sooyoung rests her hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder and gives her a slight push towards the door. “Now go tell her.”

* * *

 

Maybe loving her is something Hyunjin just can’t control. Surely, it is just an inevitable outcome of being so close to such a perfect angel.

After all, the human brain can’t help to be attracted to beautiful things. And out of all the beauty that exists in the world, Hyunjin is sure that Heejin is the most beautiful thing she has ever set her eyes upon, especially when she sings. 

Hyunjin fondly remembers the first talent show after Heejin moved in.   
She remembers watching Heejin’s confidence grow as the audience started clapping along, remembers feeling so incomparably proud as the people standing in front of her started asking questions of who the girl on stage was. She remembers wrapping her into a hug backstage, muttering words of congratulations and praise, before letting her go so Heejin’s other friends and her parents could hug her too. 

But Hyunjin prefers when she sings for her and her alone.   
She prefers when they’re listening to the radio in her room, making up silly lyrics for the songs they don’t know, when Heejin’s lilting voice is intermingled with giggles and jokes and comfort. She prefers pretending to be asleep as Heejin tousles her hair, humming a sweet lullaby that she thinks Hyunjin cannot hear. She prefers the beautiful Heejin that only she can see, the one she has all to herself, with no audience to share her with.

Just like right now. 

Hyunjin marvels at the way Heejin sings with her eyes closed, with so much passion, it’s so beautiful to watch so she simply sits there and does just that.

Heejin’s practising the song she wants to sing for the audition, but Hyunjin only half-listens, not wanting to enjoy the song which will no doubt take Heejin away from her. 

“Sound good?” Heejin asks, an unsure half smile replacing the usual confidence Hyunjin’s come to expect from the other girl. Heejin’s been uncharacteristically nervous about the performance, dragging Hyunjin along to the choir room every day so she could practice in front of her. 

“Always,” Hyunjin answers. 

It’s Sunday now, the day of the dreaded audition. Thankfully, the head of the music department allowed Heejin to practice here even on the weekend. A quick glance at the clock tells Hyunjin that she has maybe twenty minutes until Heejin has to head down to the train station.

Before Heejin can start to play the opening chords of the song, Hyunjin can’t help but voice her fear. “Hey,” Hyunjin says, making the girl look up at her, “we’ll probably spend less time together after this, huh?”

The smile falls off of Heejin’s face for a fraction of a second, before she plasters on an even wider one. “You say that as if I've already been accepted,” Heejin jokes. “I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. I can’t get this note right… and it’s the first time I’ll be playing an original song. They’ll probably decline me as soon as I walk in.”

“Of course you’ll be accepted,” Hyunjin assures the other girl. “You’re so talented - they’d be dumb to let you go.”

Hyunjin almost hopes that she’s wrong, that Heejin will come home crying, that everything will go back to how it is after a couple pints of ice cream and Heejin’s favourite movie. She knows it’s selfish to think that way - this is Heejin’s dream after all - so she forces herself to put on a smile. 

“You’ll do great. I believe in you.”

The song runs through again and Hyunjin finds herself lost in the sweet melodies that Heejin skillfully interlaces with the chords she plays. Hyunjin closes her eyes and breathes in, wondering if this will be the last time she’ll get Heejin to perform just for her.

Heejin’s phone buzzes in the middle of the song, texts from Haseul telling her to come to the train station now. They pack up their things quickly and wordlessly, the silence only interrupted when Heejin catches a glimpse of a familiar letter in Hyunjin’s backpack.

“I don’t know if all your stationery just has my name written on it,” Heejin jokes as she pushes in the last chair, “but if that’s for me, I think I should get to read it.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin agrees. “A lot of people have been telling me that recently.” Haseul had berated her for not handing her the letter as soon as Heejin came over, but eventually respected Hyunjin's choice not to disrupt their friendship. Sooyoung had ruined her plan to throw it away for good, pushing her to tell the other girl. For some reason, their friends couldn't mind their own business.

“So… what is it?”

“It’s… something I’ve been hiding from you for a while and that wasn’t right. I-” Hyunjin takes the letter that she had taped back together. “I think you should have this.” Hyunjin’s heart’s beating so loudly she can almost feel it fluttering against her ribcage, can almost hear the blood coursing into her reddening ears.


	8. Chapter 8

Heejin’s right leg shakes so hard that the guitar case beside her almost falls, only to be caught by the cushion of the train’s seating. If Haseul were still with her, she would have reprimanded the younger girl for giving into her bad habit, but the older girl had caught a glimpse of the letter and left to another carriage to, quote-unquote, give Heejin some privacy. 

“So she’s finally given it to you, huh?” Haseul had asked before she left, an unreadable smile on her face. “I’m glad. Honestly, I thought she’d chicken out again.”

Heejin traces the lettering of her name with her index finger, smiling sadly at the rip that had been hastily taped over, the tape barely holding the paper together. She recognises it as the same letter she saw stuffed in Hyunjin’s drawer that night when she had asked the other girl to be friends again. 

She bites her lip out of guilt that she had unknowingly made Hyunjin feel as if she couldn’t show this letter to her. The guilt only intensifies as her eyes pass a patchy smudge which had gone through the paper, no doubt caused by tears shed by the other girl.

The thought that she had made the other girl cry by ignoring their feelings towards each other wrenches her heart. She had never meant to hurt Hyunjin, in fact, her decision to keep things the way they were had the exact opposite intention.

Taking in a shaky breath, she finally unfolds the paper situated on her lap and starts to read.

_Dear Heejin,_

_I know you’re probably thinking “what the hell is this letter?” and honestly, I’m thinking the same thing. I’ve tried to write this thing like a hundred times now and I can never get the words right._

_I don’t quite understand what I’m thinking, or feeling, or anything when it comes to this.  But there’s something in my head screaming at me that I don’t have to understand - all I have to know is that I feel something, something I’ve never felt before, and it’s for you._

_Usually, I’d make a joke or try to deny how I feel but I can’t anymore. I can’t keep pretending that what I feel about you doesn’t exist. So I’ll just say it (or write it, I suppose)_

_I love you._

Heejin’s breath hitches. She reads the line again, sure she must have just imagined the words out of sheer want, but there they remained. She had guessed the intent of the letter (of course, there are only a few reasons why a girl would hand someone a letter with a heart drawn beside their name) but she hadn’t expected to see Hyunjin’s feelings written so clearly and bluntly.

_Or at least, I think I do? I’ve been trying to process it for the past few days but it still doesn’t really make sense to me._

_See, I thought it started that night on the beach. For whatever reason, I just really wanted to kiss you. I felt sick at the thought that someone else could be your first kiss. That was the first time I realised that I felt something more than friendship. But if I look back, I think it started a lot longer than that._

_I’m writing this on the 27th, so it’s been about two hundred days since we first met. Two hundred days ago you walked into that classroom. You were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. You still are. I felt like I had to know you or I’d regret it. So I let you sit next to me and the two hundred days after that have been the happiest days I’ve ever had._

Heejin bites back a smile but it still breaks out onto her face, finding the fond way Hyunjin described their meeting indescribably adorable. She finds it a little funny that Hyunjin thinks that she’s the most beautiful girl in the world when Heejin herself thinks similarly of Hyunjin.

Who knew Hyunjin could be so mushy and sentimental? Heejin herself had only seen this side of Hyunjin a handful of times, usually on the nights when she had ran from her parents and Hyunjin calmed her with promises of protection and warmth, and now it is immortalised in the sweetest letter she’s ever received. 

_And these past three days have been the saddest. Being away from you is fucking torture, the silence is honestly driving me crazy. I know it’s all my fault that we’re ignoring each other._

_I pushed you away because I was scared of how much you affect me. No one’s ever meant this much to me before and I couldn’t handle that. You could break me so easily. I don’t think you even know how much power you have over me._

Hyunjin, scared? The words didn’t seem to fit together, let alone in the same sentence. She thinks back to the way Hyunjin had handed her the letter, how her hands shook as she tried to fake normalcy, how her voice sounded so small Heejin could barely hear her. 

As soon as Heejin had tried to unfold the letter, back in the choir room Hyunjin stopped her. “I don’t think you should read that in front of me. I don’t think I could handle that,” she said in an impossibly small voice.

Hyunjin had never once seemed small to Heejin before. Hyunjin is confident and loud, a presence that you feel even when she isn’t speaking. Hyunjin is boisterous laughter and teasing smiles, the fiercest person Heejin’s even known. Nothing scares Hyunjin. Nothing, except for Heejin, apparently. 

_It’s eating me up inside to see you so sad, especially when I’m the cause of it. I wish I never pushed you away. It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I wished I never told you to forget our kiss. It meant so much to me, you don’t even know the half of it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop wanting to do it over and over again until I forget how to breathe. I can’t stop wanting you._

_The truth is, loving you scares me so bad. I’m so fucking terrified that one day you’ll realise that you’re too good for me and leave and that your leaving will absolutely break me because I let myself care about you too much. But without even knowing it, I’ve already started to care about you too much. And now I’d rather be scared a thousand times than hurt you even once._

Leaving? Why would she ever leave the only thing that had ever made her feel truly happy, truly safe?  
Seeing that she’s nearing the end of the letter, Heejin wipes her thumb affectionately over Hyunjin’s relatively neat handwriting and resumes reading.

_That’s why I’m so conflicted. I don’t know if telling you will only hurt you more - if I should keep this all a secret until my feelings die down and things can go back to normal. I don’t know what the right thing to do now is. But I just want to be honest._

_For some completely idiotic reason, I really, really do love you._

_I love the way you crack up at my jokes even if they’re not that funny. I love the way you make my whole day better just by smiling. I love your adorable little pouts, the way you sing with so much passion, how much you care about everyone around you._

_I love your good morning texts, I love the shitty memes you send me at_ _1am_ _when you can’t sleep, I love hearing you talk so passionately about the things you care about. I love when you come to my games and cheer for me. I love it when you cook for me (even though your food is usually terrible). I even love it when you make me watch your shitty romance movies, even if we’ve watched it a million times._

_Fuck, I think I love just about everything about you._

_You mean so much to me, Heejin. Even if you don’t feel the same, I just wanted you to know. You’re the most important person in my life and nothing could ever change that._

_Love,  
Your Hyunjinnie_

As she finishes the letter, Heejin feels an overwhelming mix of emotions she never thought would combine together - an odd sense of pride at being the only one who could affect the other girl tinged with the gnawing guilt of knowing that Hyunjin had thought that those intense feelings were something to be feared. 

“Even if you don’t feel the same?” she reads aloud, laughing a little. She had been so sure that she was being obvious about her affections that it’s almost absurd to her how Hyunjin could have been so blind. Then again, she herself had been blind to Hyunjin’s reciprocation, so they’re both to blame.

She shakes her head, still laughing, filled with elation at the knowledge that her feelings were returned. “We’re both so stupid.” 

Heejin collects a lyric sheet which had been stuffed into the front pocket of her guitar case and smooths it out, the once-sad lyrics now taking on new meaning. “This entire time,” she mutters, still not quite believing it, starting to write a letter of her own on the back side, “she’s loved me too.”

_Dear Hyunjin_ _,_

* * *

A song that Heejin doesn’t recognise starts to blare from the propped-up speakers, so loud that Heejin can feel it vibrating underneath her skin. Beside her, Haseul (along with a long line of other girls, ranging from absurdly young to around their age) sits at the edge of her seat, eyes fixated on the door to the audition room. 

Not as excited as the other girl, Heejin entertains herself by pressing at the numbered sticker on her shirt, her number being one ahead of Haseul’s. She twists a little in her seat, bored out of her mind, when the song stops playing. 

A tall girl with bleached-blonde hair opens the door, smiles at them, and promptly leaves. 

“She’s really pretty,” Haseul whispers, her voice so loud it almost defeats the purpose of whispering, “she’ll definitely get in.”

“Jeon Heejin,” a man with a clipboard calls out, “number 83?”

Haseul hugs her after she stands, letting her go after a heartwarming “good luck” and saying that she’ll treat her to ice cream after this no matter how the auditions go. The man with the clipboard taps his foot, clearly annoyed with how much time she’s taking, so Heejin picks up her guitar case as quickly as possible and shuffles through the door to the audition room.

As soon as Heejin walks in, the people behind a long table start muttering, the only one silent being a man sitting in the middle, who peers at her in such a scrutinising way that she falters in her bow.

“Hello,” she says, pulling the strap of the guitar case back onto her shoulder, “my name’s Jeon Heejin.”

No one responds to her, but the man in the middle gives her a smile, so she takes it as her cue to keep talking. “I’ll be playing an original song that I wrote,” she says, setting the case down to take out her guitar. Her eye meets the lyric sheet she had stuffed into the front pocket and feels a sudden impulse to play it.

After all, wouldn’t it be more fitting to choose a song written for the girl currently running through her mind? She might not even have chosen to go if not for Hyunjin telling her to pursue her dream. Surely, choosing that as her audition song would be more meaningful.

On the spur of the moment, Heejin pulls out the lyric sheet she had written on in the train. She places it onto the music stand, giving it a quick look over, not knowing the words as well as she knew the song she had practised.

“If a kiss is just a kiss is just a kiss  
Why do your lips feel like a perfect eclipse?  
Why do your hands that always roam  
Make me feel infinitely at home?”

In every word, Heejin tries to convey those complex emotions she felt that night on the beach, how she had ran home with tears in her eyes, how she had scribbled word after teary word remembering her bittersweet first kiss. Now, of course, the song feels much happier, the knowledge that Hyunjin cherishes their first kiss as much as she does filling her with newfound elation.

“Oh if a kiss is just a kiss is just a kiss  
I’m just a girl who’s overthinking it”

She only gets through the first verse before the man sitting in the middle puts his hand up to signal that she should stop.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asks, catching Heejin completely off guard.

“Excuse me?” she says, trying to remain as polite as possible. 

“You said you wrote it yourself and well… it’s a bit romantic, isn’t it?” Heejin isn’t sure who the question is for so she doesn’t answer, he turns to the people beside him and they simply nod, looking like bobbleheads as they agree with his every word.

“I don’t,” she assures him, fidgeting with the guitar fret, uncomfortable by the awkward feeling that fills the room, “no boyfriend for me.”

“Well, if you were to be accepted as a trainee-” he makes a cutting motion with his hand “- any relationships like that would have to be over.”

“Yes, of course.” To her credit, Heejin’s voice stays confident and stable when in reality she feels the exact opposite way. The thought that her relationship with Hyunjin might have to be over before it even started makes her question if she really wants to pursue this dream of hers. Is it worth it?

Rather than choosing between love and friendship, Heejin finds another impossible choice in front of her. Love or fulfilling her dream? Would she be happier performing on a stage or next to the girl she loves? When she thinks about her future, she isn’t quite sure which one seems more appealing. 

If Heejin were to be on stage, she’d no doubt miss the other girl, would look for her face in the crowd just as she had done in talent shows. The songs she would sing would be dull and meaningless without Hyunjin cheering her on. Moments backstage would feel cold without Hyunjin to congratulate her with that proud smile she had come to associate with a job well done.

But if she chooses Hyunjin, would she be constantly thinking about what could have been? Would she eventually look at Hyunjin and, instead of seeing the girl she loves, see the fame and success she had foregone? Heejin never wants to look at Hyunjin and feel regret, never wants to think of the girl that had only ever supported her dream as the person that stifled it.

“I think we’ve heard enough,” the man says after a beat, “thank you, number 83.”

She bows again and leaves.


	9. Chapter 9

The train station is as busy as always, people rushing on and off the trains to reach whatever destinations they had to go to. At 7 pm, rush hour is in full swing, with an onslaught of people racing to get home after work and the ones on the night shift clamouring to fill the seats they emptied.

Hyunjin sits at the half-rusted bench alongside Vivi, who is clutching a large bouquet of flowers, as they wait for Heejin and Haseul’s return from Seoul. The monitor above them flickers on to say that the train they’re expecting is delayed and Hyunjin sighs in impatience.

“Congratulations?” Hyunjin asks after a while, glancing at the small note attached to the overly large bouquet, “So you think they’ll get in?”

“The store didn’t sell ‘Congratulations if you make it in, but if you didn’t I’ll go over there to yell at them’ cards,” Vivi jokes. She opens the small card and shows her the writing scrawled inside. “So I just wrote that on the inside.”

Instead of laughing like she normally would have, Hyunjin merely lets out a little hmm before they return to a semi-awkward silence.

“I would have gotten a bouquet for Heejin too, but I assumed you’d want to do that.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin says, monotone, blankly looking out at the sea of people trying to get onto the trains. “I guess I’ll have to congratulate her when she gets back.”

“You don’t want her to get in,” Vivi casually observes, noticing the unenthusiastic tone of her voice.

“I do,” Hyunjin counters immediately, before faltering a little. “I don’t. I… don’t know.”

“What does that mean?”

“She’ll be happy. That’s all I want, so I should want her to get in right? At the same time, I’ll lose her.” Hyunjin pauses, trying to find the right words to explain how she feels. “I want and don’t want her to get in at the same time.”

“You never really had her," Vivi says bluntly. "She isn’t yours to lose.”

“Maybe never having her is worse.”

Finally, the train pulls into the station. After the doors open, a swarm of tired-looking workers come out, with a smiling Haseul near the end. She bounds to them happily, eyes fixed solely on Vivi.

Before Hyunjin has the chance to say hello, Vivi wraps Haseul into a tight hug. Hyunjin feels like she’s interrupting something, the public display of affection right in front of her making her uncomfortable.

She clears her throat to bring their attention to her. “Hey.”

Haseul doesn’t even turn to look at her, responding with a quick “hi”.

Rolling her eyes, Hyunjin asks “Where’s Heejin?”

“I don’t know,” Haseul replies, “she stayed in the city for a little bit after we went to get ice cream. Said she needed to get something.”

Haseul slips her hand into Vivi’s and murmurs a shy thanks for the bouquet. Hyunjin notices the almost-imperceptible way Vivi runs her thumb across the back of Haseul’s hand, the gesture being so intimate and sweet that Hyunjin feels an urge to look away.

“Good job on giving her the letter, by the way,” Haseul says to her, finally tearing her eyes away from Vivi.

“Oh, finally,” Vivi utters with a short sigh. “We were all wondering who was going to confess first. Jungeun almost started a bet about it before Jiwoo stopped her.”

“You all knew about it? This is personal!” Hyunjin’s cheeks warm at the knowledge that all of their friends had known about their situation, embarrassed that such a private matter wasn't as secret as she had thought.

“You two weren’t very subtle about it,” Haseul counters. “A bet is a bit overboard, though. I’ll talk to Jungeun about that.”

“I knew you were in love with her when you finished that shitty lunch she made for us,” Vivi tells her, “and it was pretty obvious she only made everyone some because it would be weird if she only made one for you.”

 _So there’s a chance she loves me back_ , Hyunjin thinks before shaking her head, not wanting to get her hopes up.  _Best friends act like that, right?_

* * *

By the time the last train pulls into the station, Hyunjin is practically alone. The metal bench underneath her is uncomfortably chilled and she positions herself again to avoid direct contact.

The cold wind bites at her exposed skin and she chastises herself for not bringing more substantial clothing, having been unaware that she would have to stay at the station for so long. Her hands shake by her sides and she isn’t quite sure if the movement is due to temperature making her shiver or her own nerves.

As soon as Heejin steps onto the railway platform, their eyes meet. Hyunjin notices the letter clutched in Heejin’s hand, feels her heart race in her chest, feels her nerves worsening until she can’t move from her spot.

“Do you mean it?” Heejin says, holding up the letter. “Do you love me?” She walks towards Hyunjin slowly, taking her time, with an unreadable expression on her face.

“I do. I’m sorry.” Hyunjin casts her eyes downwards to peer at the ground, not wanting to look Heejin directly in the eye. Her eyebrows furrow together in anticipation for Heejin’s rejection, each passing second only adding to her ever-growing nerves.

Rather than the rejection she had been expecting, Hyunjin feels Heejin tilt her head up and capture her lips in a soft kiss.

Somehow Heejin tastes sweeter than the first time, the familiar watermelon chapstick sugared with a taste that is wholly Heejin. Hyunjin’s heart soars in her chest, glad that she had been wrong.

Unlike the first time, she allows herself to be enveloped in all that is Heejin, allows herself to enjoy the moment. Hyunjin’s eyes come to a close, and for a second she convinces herself all that exists in the world is the two of them.

The temperature around them must have risen ten degrees from the chill it had been before, as Hyunjin feels so inexplicably warm and yet somehow she’s still shivering. Hyunjin wonders if Heejin can tell how much she’s shaking, hopes that even with Heejin’s arms wrapped around her Heejin doesn’t notice.

“I love you,” she whispers against Heejin’s lips, the weight in her heart growing lighter as she says the truth she’s always wanted to say, “I love you so fucking much that it hurts.” It surprises her just how easy the words are to say, just how right it feels to have Heejin in her arms.

As she pulls away from the kiss, Hyunjin marvels at the beautiful way their warm breaths paint the air around them white, staving off the darkness. She can’t bear to be too far away though, her arms stay by Heejin’s side, not wanting to let go of Heejin’s warmth.

Maybe it’s pathetic to need someone as desperately as Hyunjin needs Heejin [she needs her like oxygen, like how fire needs to burn], but she doesn’t care. Hyunjin cares about nothing except for the girl right in front of her. And maybe she cares about Hyunjin just as much, the affectionate gaze Heejin gives her betraying a fondness that Hyunjin had never before noticed. How could Hyunjin have been so blind and not known that this girl, this beautiful and perfect girl, looked at Hyunjin the exact same way Hyunjin looked at her?

“I’m guessing that these kisses mean you love me too?” Hyunjin asks, her voice breathy yet teasing, smile confident yet shy. Instead of answering her question directly, Heejin presses another warm kiss into her mouth, her heart overflowing with joy as she feels Hyunjin smile against her.

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” Heejin murmurs into her mouth, bringing her hands up to cup the sides of Hyunjin’s face. “I’ve loved you for so long, you idiot.”

They stay like that for far too long, wrapped up in each other, ignoring the world around them. Hyunjin’s arms settle around the other girl’s waist as she breathes out in relief, finally letting go of the nerves that had threatened to swallow her up. Heejin’s hands warm her face, and although the cold is still biting, she’s content. Thankfully, there is no one around them to interrupt.

“What about that other girl?” Hyunjin asks, still slightly bitter at the thought of Heejin being with anyone else.

“It's you. It’s always been you. How could I kiss someone else when you’re all that matters?” Heejin whispers, “How can I forget your kisses when you’re all I ever think about?”

“In fact,” Heejin pulls away to pull out a piece of paper of her own and starts to read off of it. “I love how you can make me laugh when I’m about to cry. I love how sweet and affectionate you can be, and how you only ever show it to me.”

Hyunjin bites at her lip, trying in vain not to break into a grin.

“I love how you always make me feel safe and protected. I love how you always know exactly what to say to make me feel like I matter and make me feel loved, even when you tease me.”

“Sometimes you just deserve to be teased,” Hyunjin interjects, causing Heejin to let out a breathy chuckle and push at her arm.

“I love the silly faces you do to make me smile.” At that, Hyunjin pulls another face, widening her eyes absurdly, making Heejin laugh a little as she continues. “I love it when you point up at me during your games before you try to score a point, even if it’s embarrassing when you fail right after. I love it when you congratulate me after shows and tell me I’ve done a good job even if I was horrible.”

Heejin pauses before looking Hyunjin directly in the eyes.

“I love you, Kim Hyunjin.”

After Heejin hands her the sheet, Hyunjin can do nothing but pull the other girl in closer as her eyes skim the hastily-written lyrics located on the other side. Tears start to collect in her eyes as she realises just how much she had hurt Heejin by shunning their first kiss.

“You wrote this for me?”

“I think all my songs are about you, even if I didn’t realise it when I was writing them,” Heejin admits, leaning her head onto the other girl’s shoulder. “You’re very easy to write about.”

“Well, I’m glad you found that easy. Writing that letter was hell.” Hyunjin pouts exaggeratedly. “Waiting for your response was hell too. I was so sure you were going to reject me. I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

“Sorry for making you wait,” Heejin chuckles, gently wiping her thumb across Hyunjin’s lips to make her return to a smile. “I had to get something.”

She pulls out a small box from her pocket, opening it to reveal two matching silver rings. “For you and me.”

Just like the other sets of matching rings they had collected over the course of their friendship, Hyunjin takes her ring - the one with the 2H engraved on it - and wears it on her index finger. A perfect fit. Before she can thank Heejin for the thoughtful present, the other girl frowns and grabs her hand.

“No, these aren’t friendship rings.” Heejin pulls it off of her index finger and slides it onto Hyunjin’s ring finger. “These are something more. _We’re_ something more.” Even though there is no longer a need to keep holding hands, Heejin’s remains there and Hyunjin can’t find it in herself to complain.

“Not friendship, huh?” Hyunjin asks, her lips curving into a fond smile. “So what are we, if we’re not friends?”

“I dunno. We’re Heejin and Hyunjin. Two girls in love. And that’s alright.”

“It sounds very much alright to me.”

Hyunjin takes the smaller-sized ring and slips it onto Heejin’s ring finger herself, admiring the way the silver shines in the faint light of the train station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> partial credit to my best friend since i used some of her confession to me in heejin’s dialogue lol  
> struggled with this chap cause i cant write happy stuff but eh it turned out okay


	10. Chapter 10

Although finally having Hyunjin all to herself temporarily made Heejin feel on top of the world, the other aspects of Heejin’s shitty life immediately drag her back down to earth.

Her parents, for example, are fighting like they always do. It had gotten so bad recently that Heejin eventually grew to hate every time they so much as spoke to each other, having grown used to every civil conversation inevitably turning into an argument.

Back before her sisters went off to university, sitting through their fighting had been a lot easier - still heart-wrenching, of course, but easier than if she were all alone. Misery loves company, after all.

Like she always does, Heejin slips on her headphones and turns on her favourite song - her usual way of distracting herself from the chaos just outside her door. Her finger taps the keyboard, turning up the volume to match how their heated conversation rapidly grows louder and louder. Soon after the second chorus hits, Heejin winces at the sound of a sudden thud, their words now being shouted.

No amount of music could drown this out, Heejin thinks bitterly, her hands reluctantly taking the headphones off and placing it to the side. Even her favourite song, the one that never failed to make her want to dance along, couldn’t help.

After opening her door just a little and taking a slight peek down the staircase, Heejin catches a glimpse of her father’s face all twisted and ugly as he spits out poisonous words of hatred. This isn’t a new sight for Heejin - she’s seen them at each other throats for the smallest of issues - so instead of being scared like she used to be when she saw it happening as a child, Heejin’s irritated.

Shaking her head, Heejin makes her way back into her room. Although she should really be used to it by now, there’s no denying the way her heart is beating a mile a minute in her chest and she’s somewhat disappointed in herself for it. She shouldn’t allow herself to be so affected like this - she shouldn’t feel as if she were the one in that screaming match, shouldn’t have to fight back tears as she wills herself to not listen too deeply to them.

“--just not happy here!”

“Then leave!”

Her parents are like demons, their sole purpose for existence to torture the other for eternity. Because of that, this house slowly became Hell for Heejin and her siblings, to the point that they moved away with smiles on their faces, leaving Heejin alone to suffer.

Heejin leans against the wall, ready to just slump down onto her bed and ignore it like she’s always done. What else could she do? She feels so useless like this - unable to say anything that could stop them, unable to block out their words and let them affect her idea of love. Does it always hurt like this? Does it always turn twisted, turn into something worse than hatred, turn into a cycle of hurting each other until someone eventually leaves?

No. Hyunjin would never hurt her like this. Her parents’ problems are theirs and they have nothing to do with Heejin. They shouldn’t affect what Heejin thinks about love - how much she appreciates the simple happiness and contentment that it brings. There is no way that Heejin would allow something as beautiful and freeing as her love for Hyunjin turn into the poisonous prison that her parents falsely call love. Maybe once upon a time her parents truly were in love, but if you’re able to hurt them just to prove that you’re right, how can you say you still care?

After hearing a plate shatter against the ground, Heejin decides she’s had enough. Making a split-second decision, Heejin pulls a jacket off of a hanger, grabs her keys and puts them in her pocket. Heejin glances at her phone, grimacing when she sees how low its battery percentage is, before putting it in her pocket as well.

Not giving herself time to hesitate, she walks as fast as possible down the stairs to the front door, slipping on her shoes without so much as a glance at her parents. After leaving, Heejin slams the door behind her, half-hoping that the loud sound would make her parents notice her leaving and hopefully distract them from their pointless arguing. Not likely though, they always were too involved in their problems to pay much attention.

Heejin walks around aimlessly, slowly taking in the evening air, hoping that the fresh air would calm her mind and clear her thoughts. She tries to distract herself, tries to make herself focus on the road in front of her, or on the cars slowly driving by. But no matter how hard she tries, she finds that her thoughts always goes back to her parents. Although she knows it’s childish - every couple eventually argues - she makes a half-hearted promise to herself to never fight and ruin what she has with Hyunjin.

She feels a drop on her cheek. Bringing her hand up to her face, she wipes it away, confused. _Am I crying?_ More drops fall, one by one, darkening the footpath in front of her. Before Heejin can even move, the slight sprinkle of rain turns intense.

Heejin runs. Her thin jacket soaks through almost immediately, the wet cold seeping into her skin, so cold she can feel it in her bones. Her damp hair sticks to her face, the road in front of her now hard to see. The rest of her clothing is equally drenched, clinging onto her form and making it difficult to move. It’s tiring but she continues to put one foot in front of the other, a single thought in her mind driving her to keep going. _Home_ , she thinks to herself, _I have to go home._

She reaches a familiar street soon enough, practically sprinting to reach some sort of shelter from the rain. Heejin half-trips on the stairs, the puddles that formed on its surface messing up her movements, but she fixes herself so that she’s upright, her feet stopping instinctually at the door. Without hesitation, she knocks.

After giving herself time to catch her breath, Heejin takes in her surroundings, finally realising where her legs had subconsciously taken her. _So this_ , Heejin thinks with a half-smile, _this is what I think of as home?_

A tall man answers the door, and she’s somewhat comforted by his kind, fatherly smile as he greets her. It morphs into a look of worry as he sees how dishevelled she is.

“Heejin--”

Behind him, there’s a sudden movement. Through the strands of her hair obstructing her sight, Heejin registers the movement as Hyunjin, who abruptly stands up at the sound of Heejin’s name.

As soon as she sees Hyunjin, she feels at ease. Even though she’s dripping wet and cold, there’s something about Hyunjin that makes her smile, makes her feel like everything’s alright even when nothing is.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Hyunjin pulls her in, seemingly not minding how her own dry clothes are being dampened as a consequence, “you’re okay now.”

If Heejin’s so-called home is Hell, then Heaven must be in Hyunjin’s arms. Nothing has ever made Heejin feel so safe, so comfortable, so perfectly _okay_ as this. Sure, she’s still panting, still struggling to catch her breath, her clothes are still clinging to her uncomfortably, but those things immediately stopped mattering the second Hyunjin held her.

After all, if Hyunjin says she’s okay, she must be. Heejin looks up at her, sees the worry in those eyes she loves so much, and finally realises something. Heejin’s home isn’t a place, no, her home is a person, her home is the girl she’s proud to call hers.

* * *

Heejin’s still shivering a little, still feeling the aftereffects of the rain.

Hyunjin had rushed her upstairs, hastily helped dry her off with some nearby towels and gave her some new clothes to wear. The clothes are a bit large on Heejin - Hyunjin always tended to buy clothes a size larger than necessary, saying that oversized clothing was in style - but Heejin appreciates them nonetheless. She slyly ducks her head down to take in a breath, enjoying the smell of Hyunjin that still lingers in the fabric.

Hyunjin had haphazardly draped blankets around her help to warm her up, but they mostly end up weighing her down. As soon as Heejin tries to take some off, Hyunjin pulls them back onto her, saying that she should keep them on to avoid getting a cold. This starts a little game of tug-of-war, which Hyunjin wins easily. While Heejin pouts and calls for a rematch, her phone dings from the other side of the room.

_Dear Jeon Heejin,_

_We are glad to inform you that you have been accepted as a trainee for BlockBerry Creative. During your audition this last Sunday, we were impressed by the vast amount of skills and initiative you displayed._

_We believe that with the intensive training and opportunities we strive to provide, you will gradually improve those skills and eventually debut._

_We expect a response from you within two weeks. Further details about will be provided as soon as your response is received._

_We look forward to working with you._

Love or fame? It was a difficult question back when she was standing in the audition room, but right now when Hyunjin’s right in front of her, the correct answer is obvious.

Heejin chooses Hyunjin. Of course, she chooses Hyunjin.

How could she choose anything else when she knows now that her home isn’t a place but the feeling she gets when she’s in Hyunjin’s arms, when thinking about Hyunjin before she sleeps makes her dreams better, when she can close her eyes and see them having the most beautiful kids and family movie nights when they’re older, when it’s impossible to even imagine a future without the other girl by her side?

And so Heejin’s thumb moves to delete the email, but before it can make contact with the screen, Hyunjin surprises her by wrapping her arms around Heejin. That comfortable warmth envelops Heejin again, instantly making her forget that cold feeling.

“Not that I’m complaining but-” Heejin quickly pockets her phone again, not wanting Hyunjin to read what’s written on the screen, “-what’s this hug for?”

“No particular reason, just wanted to hug you,” Hyunjin says, nuzzling her face into Heejin’s neck. The warm breath of her words tickles Heejin's nape, but she doesn't mind. “Who texted?”

“No one important.” The second Heejin says those words, they become silent. The disappointed look on Hyunjin’s face makes it obvious that she knows that Heejin’s lying, but she doesn’t ask further so Heejin changes the subject.

“What do you think would happen if I left?“ Heejin questions, “What would happen… to us?”

“I’m your biggest fan,” Hyunjin says, before hesitating for a while, “no matter what happens, I’ll be cheering you on.” As true as the words sound, Heejin can’t help but notice the subdued tone to her voice, as if Hyunjin were trying to convince herself that they’re true.

“Won’t you miss me?” Heejin doesn’t quite know what she wants the answer to be. Knowing that her leaving would hurt the other girl - it’s a painful thought to say the least.

“Of course I will.” Hyunjin’s grip around her loosens, “But… an opportunity like that is more important than I am. Your happiness is more important than I am,” Hyunjin says, resolutely, as if she’s rehearsed these very same words over and over.

“I-”

“I think if you get that opportunity, you should go for it,” Hyunjin says, cutting Heejin off before she could speak. “Singing is something you really love. You’ll be happy there.”

“But there’s something I love right here.”


	11. Chapter 11

Hyunjin doesn’t think she’s ever been this happy. When she sees her reflection in the various mirrors of her house, she can barely recognise herself, the sight of her smiling face almost alien to her. Her face hurts sometimes from smiling too widely, but it’s a hurt she’s ultimately willing to endure. She just can’t help it.

So when her cheeks ache slightly from being stretched into a grin, Hyunjin chooses to ignore the pain, instead focusing on standing up from the park bench to greet her girlfriend with open arms. Girlfriend. Heejin is her girlfriend. The word alone puts Hyunjin straight onto cloud nine, remembering the fact that they’re now more than friends never failing to make her feel giddy.

It’s that happiness that she tries to remember as she checks the time yet again. 5:21pm. She can’t help but to be pissed off. Heejin had be the one insisting that they meet up at 5, and yet she’s the one that doesn’t bother to show up on time? Unbelievable.

Heejin turns up less than two minutes later. Finally.

“Sorry I’m late!” Heejin says as soon as she’s within earshot. Her words are breathless, her tired expression and the way she’s panting making it obvious that she ran here. Hyunjin can no longer find it in herself to be mad, instead greeting Heejin with open arms and a smile.

With a grin of her own, she accepts Hyunjin’s hug, murmuring some half-hearted excuse into the fabric of Hyunjin’s jacket.

Slightly winded by Heejin’s enthusiastic embrace, Hyunjin places a hand on her back lightly. “Hello to you too,” she says with a slight laugh, having already forgiven the girl, “don’t worry, it’s not like you’re late for anything important.”

All too soon, Heejin pulls away.

Before Hyunjin can even start to miss Heejin’s touch, Heejin’s hand slips down to find Hyunjin’s. Their fingers interlock smoothly and naturally, as if they had done the motion a thousand times before.

“Of course I was,” Heejin says, pouting as if Hyunjin’s words had somehow offended her, “meeting with you is always important.” To emphasise her words, Heejin clasps Hyunjin’s hand a little tighter, but still gently, as if she is the most precious thing in the world.

Although such cheesy words would usually only inspire an eyeroll or maybe just a sigh if Hyunjin were feeling nice, Hyunjin unexpectedly does neither and chooses to stay silent. She hopes that her non reaction would somehow keep the other girl from noticing just how much the words had affected her, but the opposite occurs.

“You’re blushing!”

“What? Of course I’m not.” Hyunjin denies vehemently, even though she can feel the heat in her cheeks.

“Not blushing, huh?” Heejin’s free hand rises to press into Hyunjin’s rapidly warming face, the other hand still busy holding Hyunjin’s. Sensing Heejin’s movement, Hyunjin pulls away with the speed of a ninja, still adamantly refusing Heejin’s ridiculous claim.

Blushing? Over a pretty girl holding her hand and calling her pretty? That would be lame. Hyunjin would rather die than admit just how lame, just how in love she is with the girl beside her. So, yes, she may in fact be blushing a little, but she’ll take that knowledge straight to the grave.

“I’m definitely not blushing,” Hyunjin indignantly says, swatting away Heejin’s hands. “Get your hands away from me!”

“Are you just turning into a tomato then?” Heejin cheekily retorts, bringing her arms back to her sides after finally giving Hyunjin’s cheek a slight pinch, allowing Hyunjin to relax slightly. “It’s okay if you are. I think you’re really cute all red like that.”

Heejin goes in for another sneak attack, this time foregoing using her hands altogether, choosing to land a brisk peck on Hyunjin’s cheek. Her movement was so fast that Hyunjin might not have even noticed it if not for the annoyingly smug smirk on Heejin’s face afterwards, if not for the feel of Heejin. Naturally, Hyunjin’s body reacts to the action - her blush deepening and even spreading to her ears.

“See?” Heejin says, clearly satisfied with herself, “you’re blushing.” Giggles bubble into Heejin’s throat, the sweet sound making Hyunjin suddenly forget her embarrassment and annoyance. Since laughter tends to be contagious, Hyunjin only laughs in response, grabbing hold of Heejin’s hand once again and pulling her along.

* * *

The beach hasn’t changed much since their last visit: the waves still lap onto the sands languidly, the breeze still carries the distinct scent of the ocean, the sea shells are still scattered around the place. In fact, the only thing that seems to have changed is them.

Hyunjin’s slightly surprised to see that the they are the only two people there. Granted, it is winter; the first snow fell about a week ago - making the weather a tad too cold for beach going. She’s glad they’re alone though. Not that she’s in any way ashamed to be with Heejin, of course, but Hyunjin still finds it difficult to say that she’s dating a girl. It still feels like… something to hide.

Hyunjin starts to play with the ring on her finger, a habit she had unwittingly formed by twisting it every time she became nervous or bored. Ever since Heejin had given it to her, she always touched it whenever she started to miss the other girl. Heejin turns to her, sees her fidgeting with her ring and beams.

“I like seeing that on you,” Heejin says. Her body’s fully turned to Hyunjin, taking the risk to walk backwards in order to give Hyunjin all of her attention.

“Well good,” Hyunjin responds, “cause I’m never gonna take it off.” Hyunjin’s statement makes Heejin smile impossibly wider.

Soon after, Heejin stops in her tracks. “Yep, right here is fine,” she proclaims, before sitting down and patting the spot next to her. “Sit down.”

Hyunjin does so, grimacing all the while, going slowly and cautiously so as to not get any sand into her shoes. As expected, tiny rocks and shells make their way into her socks anyway and she makes a disapproving sound at the back of her throat. Great.

“Why did you want us to go to the beach today?” Hyunjin asks, half out of curiosity and half just to complain. She likes the beach just fine, after all good memories were made here. But there are dozens of places around town they could have gone to, all of them with heating and much better seats.

“We need to talk,” Heejin says. Her tone is so serious, voice lower than usual, that it sounds strange coming out of her mouth. Especially after how light the conversation had been on the way here.

Uncomfortable with the sudden change of mood, Hyunjin tries to break the tension with a joke. “Uh oh. You’re trying to break up with me? Already?”

“No, nothing like that,” Heejin assures her. She doesn’t even bother to laugh, instead continuing to speak. “It’s just… do you remember the last time we came here?” Heejin asks, even though she knows the answer. They both know that the memory of their first kiss is permanently ingrained in Hyunjin’s brain, especially after Hyunjin admitted as much in her letter.

“Of course I do.”

“Do you remember what we talked about?” Heejin asks, “and the promise we made?”

The promise? Hyunjin remembers every promise she’s ever made with the other girl. All the important and significant ones all the way to the minor ones that were made as jokes rather than serious agreements. Hyunjin had thought that this particular promise fit into the second category. Leaving home when they have no money, it’s absurd to even think about.

“Yeah?”

“I wasn’t so sure back then but…” Heejin says, hesitating before her next words, “I think it’s a good idea. Let’s go.”

“You can’t be serious,” Hyunjin lets out, “Heejin, our exams are coming up! We can’t just up and leave.”

“But you promised!” Heejin whines. Her bottom lip juts out into a pout and her eyes turn soft, as if Heejin knows that acting cute will lead to her getting her way. She’s right of course - Hyunjin could never turn down her puppy dog eyes.

Sighing, Hyunjin decides to play along. Heejin is the most stubborn person she’s ever met. Arguing would be useless. Hyunjin knows that there’s nothing she could say to change the other girl’s mind. “If we could, where would you go?”

“I’d go wherever you are,” Heejin says, “there isn’t really anything else that matters.”

She looks at her, eyes sparkling, making it clear that her words are nothing short of truthful. Like Heejin really believes that nothing matters except for the fact that she is with Hyunjin. Hyunjin thinks that she’ll never get used to the way Heejin looks at her, like Heejin didn’t quite believe Hyunjin’s really hers.

“Well, obviously, dork.” She pulls Heejin into a sidehug, muttering her next words into Heejin’s hair. “Tokyo, maybe?”

“I dunno. Every time I hear you in Japanese class...” Heejin trails off, grimacing. “Let’s just say it’ll be hard to get around Japan with you dragging me down.” Hyunjin takes offense at this, letting the girl go in order to playfully thump the back of Heejin’s head. Heejin chuckles, and while rubbing her head she gives another suggestion. “How about Paris? That’s always been a dream of mine.”

“Yeah well, I’m pretty sure my Japanese is miles better than your French.”

Even though Heejin laughs again, Hyunjin can tell that something’s wrong just by looking at her. She seems a bit too desperate to leave, as if the thought of staying in the small town might kill her. There has to be some unspoken reason why Heejin took her all the way across town to talk, right?

“What’s the real reason we’re here, Heejin?” she asks.

Heejin’s expression suddenly changes, her eyes now downcast and completely losing their sparkle. Her shoulders tense up and she starts to play with the sand next to her, picking up a handful and letting it fall between her fingers.

Hyunjin can’t help but to feel as if this is her fault. Maybe she should have just played along without asking questions and not ruined the mood like she always seemed to. “You don’t have to tell me,” Hyunjin says bitterly, “I know it might not be any of my business. I’m sorry. I… I probably just made everything worse--”

“No, no,” Heejin interrupts, “don’t say that. You’re the only thing that makes me feel better. I appreciate that you care enough to ask.” Heejin laughs a little, but it sounds hollow and harsh. “You know, you’re the only one that’s cared enough to notice that anything’s wrong.”

Heejin bites her lip, eyes still not daring to look at Hyunjin. “The situation at my house’s getting worse. I needed to get out of there and see you.”

Ah. Of course that's the problem. It always is. 

Hyunjin has only met Heejin’s parents a handful of times, but she already knows she hates them. Anyone who could make her Heejin feel this bad immediately goes onto Hyunjin’s hitlist.

Heejin’s words stab at Hyunjin’s heart. She hates that she can’t do anything but be there for her, hates how useless she feels about it all. She can’t change a single thing. It feels even worse because Heejin is the one who makes her heart soar in her chest, makes her so happy it hurts. It hurts because she can’t ever make Heejin as happy as Heejin makes her. Because Heejin deserves all the happiness in the world.

“And… I want to leave for real, no, I need to, but-” She finally looks up, her gaze connecting with Hyunjin’s. “I wanna leave with you. Somewhere. Anywhere.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

Pressed against Hyunjin’s sleeping body, Heejin peppers kisses across the back of her shoulders. 

Her own eyes threaten to close - Hyunjin’s warmth never fails to make her sleepy and content - but she keeps them open. She wills them to memorise every inch of Hyunjin, things that others might find insignificant. Things like how the mound of Hyunjin’s stomach rises and falls to her breathing, or how her hair looks splayed against her sheets, and how sweet and soft Hyunjin’s sleeping expression appears.

Most importantly, she makes herself memorise how Hyunjin makes her feel. The little flutters that erupt in her stomach whenever Hyunjin surprises her with a kiss on the cheek. The warmth that envelops her body whenever Hyunjin holds her in her arms. The safeness and security Heejin only ever feels around her. 

Heejin’s afraid that while she’s gone she might forget. 

_ Gone.  _   
  
Even the word feels wrong. The thought that she’ll soon be far away from most of her friends is upsetting. In the few short months she’s spent here, she’s grown attached to all of them. She’s gotten used to going to school and hearing their laughter and teasing words, and grown to expect and look forward to seeing them. Leaving them behind will definitely hurt.

But leaving Hyunjin? That’ll be heartbreaking.

Of course, Heejin wants to stay forever. She wants to spend her all her days with Hyunjin until they are old and withered, to stay and make a happy life for herself in this rundown town. But she knows that would be impossible. 

Just two days ago, she had replied to BlockBerry’s offer, explaining that she didn’t really know whether or not she wanted to join. In return, BlockBerry Creative not only offered Heejin a spot in their training roster, but also housing in their dormitory in Seoul. Not only was it close to her sister, but it provided Heejin with an excuse to leave her hellhole of a house. How could she refuse that offer? 

She had told her parents almost immediately, but she didn’t know the way to break it to Hyunjin. How do you tell the girl you promised forever that you’ll be leaving her behind? 

Because of this, Heejin’s been spending ever more of her time over at Hyunjin’s house, wanting to make as much out of the time they have left together as possible. She wants to give them as much time as possible - time to make happy memories that Heejin can cherish in their time apart. 

They go out almost daily, visiting their favourite places around town after school or on the weekends. 

They’ve been going to the ice cream parlour so frequently that the owner even put Hyunjin’s framed picture on their wall for eating a record amount of the infamous ‘Chili Banana Split’. Heejin’s pretty sure she’ll never forget the look on the old man’s face as Hyunjin scarfed the entire thing down and asked for another - second only to the look on his face when Hyunjin told him that his recipe “needed a little more spice”. 

And of course Heejin treasures the small silent moments they share down at the beach. Ever since Heejin brought it up, they’ve been planning a trip overseas. Even though it was originally Heejin’s idea, Hyunjin’s been excited about it, sometimes texting her in the middle of the night listing off landmarks they could visit and various places they could go sightseeing.

It’s been a joy-filled few weeks, but Heejin can’t help but feel guilty seeing Hyunjin so happy. Her heart aches at Hyunjin’s wide smiles. After all, how could she let herself be fully happy when she sees a timer on their happy times, one that Hyunjin is wholly unaware of. A timer on their whole relationship.

Hyunjin stirs a little in her sleep, shifting slightly into Heejin. Heejin brings her hand and rests it on Hyunjin’s back, tracing letters onto Hyunjin’s clothed skin.  _ I love you _ . As soon as Heejin finishes the ‘u’, Hyunjin’s lips curve into a smile and she moves even closer, almost as if she could tell what Heejin bad been writing.

Across the small bed, Heejin’s phone vibrates. She tries to stretch her arm to reach it, but with Hyunjin resting on her and limiting her movement, she can’t reach far enough. Her movements eventually make Hyunjin wake up.

“Why are you moving so much?” Hyunjin murmurs, practically still asleep, “you’re such a shitty pillow.”

Usually, Heejin would let her sleep a little longer, but since it’s reaching 10, she decides that Hyunjin’s nap has gone on for long enough. “Can you read my messages, babe? I can’t reach my phone.”

“Lazy,” Hyunjin says, scoffing. She complies nonetheless, opening Heejin’s phone with practised ease. Heejin’s passcode is easy enough to remember, Hyunjin’s name in number form - H Y U N turning into 4 9 8 6. “It’s from Haseul-unnie.”

She wipes at her still bleary and heavy-lidded eyes, not noticing how Heejin moves to grab the phone from her.

“Excited for Seoul?” Hyunjin reads off. Her voice still has a hint of sleep in it and she yawns a little. In her hand, the phone lights up yet again and again, Hyunjin reads it aloud. “When are you packing?”

Her eyebrows furrow in confusion as moves into a sitting position. “Heejin, why would you be going to Seoul?”

Heejin’s too shocked to say a word, staying silent as she watches Hyunjin put the pieces together. Slowly, Heejin sits up as well, wanting to be face-to-face with her. Hyunjin’s eyes widen with realisation, any trace of sleep now completely nonexistent.

“You got accepted, didn’t you?” Heejin can’t really read the tone of her voice - it isn’t accusatory enough to be biting, nor is it angry enough to be chilling. She just sounds… hurt.

Heejin nods.

“So you’re leaving?” 

Again, Heejin can only nod. 

“When were you going to tell me?” 

“I-- I don’t know.”

“Were you ever going to tell me? Were you just going to leave without saying a word?”

Again, Heejin’s silent.

“What the fuck, Heejin?” Now, traces of anger become evident in Hyunjin’s voice, her tone becoming more aggressive with each word. “How could you hide something like this from me?” 

Unexpectedly, Hyunjin stands up and she turns away from Heejin. Heejin’s phone is still clutched in her hand, and Heejin watches as her grip clenches around it.

Heejin’s mouth abruptly opens to explain herself but she falters on the words. Because she has no explanation. “I didn’t know how to tell you, I--” she says, trying and failing to put her thoughts in order.

“What was that fucking trip all about? Why? Were you bringing my hopes up just so you could drag them back down?” She’s shaking slightly now, her arm raised as if she’s about to throw Heejin’s phone to the ground.

Heejin rests her hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder in an effort to calm her down. “We can still--”

“No, we fucking can’t, Heejin!” Hyunjin turns around sharply, jerking her shoulder away from Heejin’s touch. 

Something in Hyunjin’s scowling face and clenched fist reminds Heejin of her father and it scares her. Hyunjin’s outburst is all too similar to the exact thing Heejin wants to leave behind. Most terrifying of all is the cold look in Hyunjin’s eyes.

“You’re- you’re gonna be halfway across the country… without me.” The way Hyunjin’s voice breaks at the last syllable makes Heejin’s heart ache, especially when the cold look is immediately replaced with the sheen of tears.

It kills her, how betrayed and disappointed Hyunjin looks. Heejin didn’t mean for things to end up like this and yet somehow she had hurt the person she cared about more than anything.

“I just, I didn’t want you to hate me.” Before Hyunjin’s tears have the chance to fall, Heejin starts to sob, the guilt that has been eating her up for weeks now reaching its peak. “And now you do and I- I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin’s shoulders untense and she immediately bridges the gap between them, stepping forward to comfort her. Hyunjin absently raises her hand, tracing Heejin’s tear-streaked cheek with a careful finger.

“Hey, I could never hate you. I’m angry, sure, but-- I don’t hate you. How could I hate the person I love most in the world?” Her words are soft now, filled with the love and affection Heejin no longer thinks she deserves.

Heejin’s crying only intensifies at this. The thought that she had hurt the girl that loves her so much… it’s overwhelming, to say the least. It takes everything in her not to break down and crumple into a little ball of guilt.

“I th-thought you wouldn’t want me to go,” Heejin admits, her words jerky as her sobs still rack her body. “I was e-even considering turning down the offer--”

“Heejin, are you crazy? You’ve wanted this for longer than you’ve known me.”

“So?” Heejin says, scoffing as she shakes her head. “You’re more important than  _ anything _ , Hyunjin. If you told me not to go…” she pauses, sniffling.

“You’d give up your dreams for me?”

Heejin can reply with nothing but the truth. “In a heartbeat.”

Hyunjin’s arms pull her in, enveloping her in a strong embrace. As soon as Heejin feels her familiar warmth, something inside of her fills with comfort and her tears cease falling. It’s simultaneously perfect and unbearable, it’s something that Heejin’s been desperately needing and her downfall. 

In it, Heejin can feel just how loved she is. Hyunjin pulls her in close as if holding her isn’t quite enough, as if she never wants to let go. Heejin hates it.

“Why does this feel like a goodbye hug?” Heejin says, murmuring into the fabric of Hyunjin’s sweater. 

“Because I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be the reason why you’re not out there fulfilling your dreams.” Hyunjin presses a kiss into her hair and sighs. “I just wish you told me about this earlier.”

“And I wish I didn’t have to go without you.”

“Hey, you’ll never be without me.” Hyunjin pulls away then to look into Heejin’s eyes, her forehead pressing against Heejin’s. “You’ll never lose me, remember?”

Heejin wants to believe her. 

Heejin wants to believe that no matter what happens it will always be the two of them against the world, that no distance, no struggle, nothing could keep them apart. But when Hyunjin presses her lips to hers in a soft kiss, it feels like it’ll be the last. And when Heejin feels wetness on her cheek from Hyunjin’s eyes, she feels like Hyunjin knows that as well. 

Heejin rests her hands lightly on the back of Hyunjin’s neck, parts her lips, and lets her tongue glide against Hyunjin’s teeth. She pushes Hyunjin - just slightly - until the backs of her knees reach the edge of her bed and they fall down onto the mattress.

Lips still connected, Heejin makes her way onto Hyunjin’s lap and slips her hand underneath the sweater separating her from Hyunjin’s bare skin. She smiles as Hyunjin shivers slightly. After all, if this is going to be their last kiss, why not make it memorable?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what up, stream butterfly


	13. Chapter 13

There’s this saying that goes: “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Hyunjin can’t decide whether she believes it or not.

Would she feel better if they were to say their final goodbyes as friends, never quite knowing that they could have been something so much more? That way, logically, Hyunjin would be losing less. Losing a chance at love would surely be better than losing an entire person - someone Hyunjin let herself care about too much.

Because sure, she has memories of Heejin to hold onto and, in theory, cushion the blow.

She’ll never forget the days they spent together, hand-in-hand as they let the chaos of the world pass them by. The sweetness of the cold ice cream coupled with Heejin’s lips will be a memory that Hyunjin will always cherish, just like memories of them sharing side-glances in boring classes and filling the time with shitty jokes or pulling Heejin into empty classrooms to make sure no one sees her stealing precious kisses.

But, in a way, those happy times just makes this goodbye all the more tragic - only mean that Hyunjin’s losing so much more. She's not just losing Heejin, the best friend that she had clichedly fallen for, but the Heejin she had bared her soul to, the Heejin she had shared her happiest moments with.

Basically, the unfortunate way that life works is that the more you allow yourself to love and care about someone, the more difficult it is to say let go of them.

That by itself is terrifying, but there’s also more to it than that. It’s the fact that Hyunjin allowed Heejin to feel the same way - that Heejin herself must be hurting by having to leave. So by loving Heejin (being loved), did Hyunjin inadvertently inflict pain on Heejin?

She knows that loving Heejin is worth all the pain in the world. But if Hyunjin’s love somehow caused Heejin harm, she would - without hesitation - choose to not have loved Heejin at all.

So maybe the phrase is entirely wrong and it is better to never have loved. Maybe that way the pain of loss can’t hurt either of them quite so deeply.

“Remember to do your homework every day, alright?” Hyunjin overhears Haseul say, her worried voice pulling Hyunjin out of her thoughts. “Brush your teeth, take your vitamins, a--”

“I know, I know!” Yeojin says in response, cutting off Haseul’s mini-tirade.

It’s clear that Yeojin’s trying to appear annoyed at Haseul's concern - her arms are folded tightly across her chest and she rolls her eyes - but when Yeojin averts her eyes and glares at Haseul’s suitcase, her indifferent front all but melts away.

Haseul softens, wrapping the arm that isn’t holding her suitcase over Yeojin’s shoulders. “I’ll miss you.”

“I know,” Yeojin repeats, her voice quieter than before. “You’ll visit us lots, right?”

“Of course,” Haseul says with a small smile. She lets go of Yeojin and turns on her heel to face the girl next to her.

“And Vivi--” she hesitates, seeming to struggle in finding the right words before nodding and settling on “I’ll miss you as well.”

There’s something in how Haseul’s voice wavers as she speaks, something in how Vivi wordlessly pulls her into an embrace.

Hyunjin watches as Vivi’s hold tightens then immediately loosens as if holding herself back. Hyunjin isn’t quite sure what Vivi could be holding herself back from, that is, until Vivi closes her eyes and it instantly becomes obvious.

 _Or maybe_ , Hyunjin realises as Vivi sighs, _the pain of never loving at all cuts even deeper than expected._

Because when Vivi whispers an “I’ll miss you” so quiet as if she didn’t want anyone else to hear, Hyunjin swears she can hear an “I love you” that neither of them had ever dared say aloud.

And when Haseul’s hand lets go of the suitcase handle to envelop herself even deeper into Vivi’s arms, Hyunjin can practically feel the regret coming off of both of them. Regret that a mere hug - and not a kiss - might be their final moment of intimacy. Regret that now an admission of love would be far too late.

“Call me whenever you can, alright?” Haseul says, “I don’t care if it interrupts practices or wakes me up -- I’d rather hear your voice than sleep.”

“Of course,” Vivi replies, “I l--”

Hyunjin’s breath bates, half-expecting a confession to come out of the older girl's mouth.

“I’ll call.”

Haseul seems disappointed at that response, her lips pressing into a thin line.

Thinking that she might be invading their private moment too much, Hyunjin turns to observe the others.

Jiwoo appears to be enveloping Heejin in a hug that looks too tight to be comfortable, with Jungeun trying to pry her off and Sooyoung busy laughing off to the side. Fortunately, Heejin doesn't seem too distressed with the situation - hugging Jiwoo with just as much enthusiasm.

When Jiwoo finally pulls back from the hug, both her and Jungeun start to speak.

Hyunjin can't hear them that well, but Jungeun and Jiwoo seem to be giving a similar talk to the one Haseul gave Yeojin just moments prior. Simple reminders to take antibiotics, to stretch to prevent swelling, and all sorts of little tips to "help Heejin with her new life in the big city". It's sort of sweet to see them pretend to be experts on city life when the only ones that had spent any time living there (namely, Vivi and Sooyoung) have stayed relatively quiet.

Unlike Yeojin, Heejin stands there nodding, taking in their sage advice with an earnest expression. The only break in Heejin's focus comes when her eyes meet with Hyunjin's, and she breaks into a smile.

Heejin excuses herself from the conversation - not without giving them all small final hugs - and cheerily walks towards Hyunjin.

“Hyunjin!” she calls out.

Hyunjin's hand comes off of the handle of Heejin's suitcase to wave at her as she comes closer. If Hyunjin's being honest, she would admit that her forearm started to hurt half an hour ago, but her ego wouldn't let her. That and it's better for her to hurt than Heejin, right?

“Train’s almost here,” Heejin says casually. “Got anything you want to say to me?” Her words almost cheeky in tone and they make Hyunjin smile.

Hyunjin's sort of glad that they aren't making it a sad farewell. She has no tears left to cry anyway.

Heejin's probably expecting a goodbye. But "goodbye" feels like poison in Hyunjin’s mouth, a word she’d rather die than to say to Heejin’s face. They might have said it all the time in the past, but in these past few weeks, they had been so inseparable that the word feels alien to her.

So instead, Hyunjin says the words that have become all too easy to say, the words that roll off of her tongue almost daily.

“I love you.” It’s almost amusing to think back to when those words were practically impossible to write down, let alone say. Especially since they had stood in this very same train station when they first admitted it to each other.

"I love you too, you idiot," Heejin says, the fondness evident in her voice and the softness in her eyes. "I love you so much--"

Hyunjin watches as Heejin's eyes glaze over, and she closes the gap between them in a flash upon noticing it.

"Hey, hey, don't cry," Hyunjin says, in the calmest voice she can manage. She bites her bottom lip as she tries to ignore the emotions welling up in her chest, too easily affected by the sight of Heejin dissolving into tears. "This is a happy day, remember? You're gonna go and fulfil your dream. You're gonna make us so damn proud."

There’s something in Hyunjin's throat that she keeps trying to swallow, something she'll later recognise as faint heartache.

Heejin sniffles slightly, a lone tear escaping the side of her right eye. "I know-- I guess these are happy tears." She chuckles, her voice all scratchy from the moment of crying.

There are no words left to say.

So instead, Hyunjin stands there simply admiring the girl she had chosen to fall in love with, glad that it was Heejin and not anyone else. Her gaze flits from the comfy-looking jacket Hyunjin could have sworn used to be hers, to the cute beanie sitting on the top of Heejin's head, before settling on the silver ring that matches the one Hyunjin is wearing.

It isn't a friendship ring, nor is it a promise ring. To Hyunjin, it symbolises the love they share. It's nothing but a small reminder, but it will be one of the few concrete things she has to keep Heejin close to her.

Wordlessly, Hyunjin takes Heejin's hand, shuts her eyes, and presses a chaste kiss onto the ring, right where the engraving is.

When she opens her eyes again, Heejin is staring at her with a look she can't quite decipher. It doesn't seem sad or cheerful, but more contemplative, and Hyunjin doesn't really know what to say.

* * *

The sound of a single train pulling up to the station forces them to tear their gazes away from each other.

"Goodbye."

Hyunjin just nods in response.

She watches as Heejin drags the suitcase across the concrete of the departure platform. When Heejin finally goes through the carriage door and waves at them, Hyunjin can only stand with her arms by her sides as the doors slide to a close and she can no longer see her.

Moments and moments pass by and the train carrying Heejin gets smaller and smaller until she is nothing but a dot in Hyunjin’s vision.

“You alright?” Vivi says, appearing at her side seemingly from nowhere.

“Yeah, I guess,” Hyunjin says, taking a pause between her sentence to take a breath she didn't know she had been holding, “or at least I will be.”

There's a certain unnameable feeling in the pit of her stomach that she can't pinpoint. Hyunjin thinks that of the people still left on the departure platform, Vivi might be the one who can best understand the emotion, so she turns to the older girl.

“What about you?” Hyunjin asks.

“What _about_ me?”

Hyunjin tries to frame it as subtly as she can. She knows that the pair haven't admitted it to each other yet, so there's a decent chance that Vivi wouldn't be comfortable in confiding it to Hyunjin.

“You... lost someone today, too.”

A silence settles over them. In the corner of Hyunjin's eye, she can see the other four walking off - presumably back to their respective homes.

“She isn’t mine to lose, remember?”

Vivi's sharp tone makes it clear that she doesn't want Hyunjin to keep pressing, but Hyunjin can't stop herself. When Vivi starts to walk off, Hyunjin fears she'll lose this chance to talk to and potentially help the older girl. She doesn’t want both of them to have to pretend that everything’s okay.

“She could have been." Vivi's steps slow and she comes to a stop as if waiting for Hyunjin to keep talking. "And that’s even worse.”

"Let's just go home, Hyunjin. I--" Vivi's head tilts down, gaze focused on the concrete floor directly below her. "I feel really tired for some reason."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a law test tomorrow and i did this instead of studying hahaha please end me,,  
> also i'm highkey considering a 2 year timeskip but i guess you'll have to wait and see!


End file.
